It’s Friday again, and‒again‒I’m sitting at the bus stop, writing this blog first thing in the morning while waiting for the bus.
That woman who was screaming on a few previous mornings is screaming in a different region of the intersection now. At this point, I honestly suspect she’s actually mentally ill. There’s also a person with some form of fidgitiness or movement disorder or just some anxiety syndrome who has come and sat on the (small) bus stop bench not far from me. I suppose he might either be on some kind of drug or withdrawing from some kind of drug, rather than having a primary disorder, but the woman is almost certainly mentally ill.
Of course, there’s not much one can do for her unless she asks for help or is openly a danger to herself or to others. Actually, in Florida, even if she needs help, and asks for it, she’s probably out of luck. Public services are rather limited here, despite this being the third most populous state in the US, and obviously quite wealthy.
The man I mentioned before couldn’t sit still for long before he got up and walked away, across the road to some other place. I don’t know if he was hoping that I would speak to him or some such, and gave up when I didn’t even look at him other than in peripheral vision, while writing, or if he really was just stopping to rest. If that latter, well, more power to him.
This end of the nation’s dong isn’t especially hospitable, so you should find rest when you can. I would like to find some rest. It would be so nice to go to sleep and to stay asleep through the night and wake up in the morning feeling refreshed rather than just groggy and resigned.
I do wish at least that this state were just a little less full of desperate and disgusting people.
I’m talking about the people in the state government when I say that, by the way, not people such as I mentioned above. Also, some of the voters are a bit contemptible, the ones who imagine that they are solely responsible for all their own prosperity, even though the vast majority of them have not even a superficial grasp of how the universe into which they were extruded functions, from the subatomic to the cosmic, from the unliving vastness of intergalactic space down to computers and medicine and information technology and chemistry and biology and electricity and automobiles and the internet/the web and even television. I don’t know how so many people can apparently stand not to know about these things, let alone sometimes still act smug and self-righteous.
As for troubled people like the shouty woman and the fidgety man, well they just make me feel a bit sad, really. I mean, I don’t want either one to intrude upon me writing this blog post‒and neither one did, by the way. Even when the shouty lady ended up walking past, in front of me, she was just muttering something about “catching the bus when it’s free” or something (as far as I know, it’s never free).
If I had unearthly powers, I would probably try to provide some help to either or both of them; I certainly gave a lot of money and stuff away when I was in medical practice. That’s a big part of why I had to go with the public defender’s office (well, it’s an adjunct office, actually, but it’s the same idea) when I was charged with the bullshit I was charged with. I was never very good at taking care of myself for my own sake, and I’ve gotten worse at it even since then.
So many people are so grasping and parasitic. There are people in the office who regularly come to me for medical advice‒and even OTC treatment‒even though it’s thanks to the government of their poxy state that I can’t practice medicine anymore. Cat forbid that they take responsibility for learning about and seeing to their own health.
From time to time, I think that I’m too high-functioning a person really to have any autism spectrum disorder‒but then, looking back at the things that happened to my life, and the way I have done things, especially once my separation and then divorce happened (and at many of the ways I managed things before then) when I was down here in Florida, far from my family and friends and everything, and when I realize how hard it is for me to arrange and keep track of the functions of daily life, I think…yeah, that ASD stuff actually explains a lot. Knowing it doesn’t make it easier to counter, but I prefer to understand things as much as I can.
It’s not as though I don’t understand, intellectually, how things are done and how to do them. I’m able to understand a lot of things. But I can’t seem to pull myself or anything together, I can’t seem to organize my life or deal with ordinary things. I can write novels and stories and blogs, I can write and perform and record and even produce songs (the latter not to a terribly high standard), I can draw, sometimes pretty well, and I can practice medicine and do science and operate computers…but I can’t promote my own works or stand to seek out anyone who would help me do so. The social aspect of such things veers toward horrifying for me.
I’m able to survive‒often I don’t really want to survive, very often I don’t want to‒but thriving seems beyond me. As Radiohead sings, “I’m not living, I’m just killing time.”. That’s from True Love Waits*, their last song from their most recent album, though the song itself has been around a lot longer.
Anyway, the bus will be here soon, and I will ride it, then ride the train, then walk, the trudge through the day and reverse the commute process at the end. And tomorrow, since I have work tomorrow, I will do much the same.
And on Sunday I will do laundry, and then on Monday the cycle will begin again. Sisyphus, eat your heart out!
Actually, that sounds more like a job for Prometheus than Sisyphus. Are there any mythical figures who specifically eat their own hearts? Whence did that expression arise? I have to admit that I do not know. It doesn’t really matter, but if anyone has any reliable information about the origin of that expression, I’d be glad to learn.
In the meantime, have a good day.
P.S. The fidgety man just got on at a later bus stop from where I waited. I think he just didn’t like sitting still, or perhaps he didn’t like sitting next to me. It’s hard to hold it against him.
*It’s not a promise or anything optimistic. The full title verse goes, “True love waits in haunted attics. And true love lives on lollipops and crisps.”. In other words, the notion of true love is not something to be taken very seriously. It eats like a child and “lives” like a ghost.