It’s Friday again, at long last, and I should have tomorrow off.  I think I might take tomorrow off, even if they asked us to come in.  I barely wanted even to move at all today.

Of course, “want” is a tricky word in this case.  I don’t ever want to go to work in any kind of “terminal goal” sense.  But in an “instrumental goal” sense, I do want to go to work.  However, there are many conflicting pressures within the system that is I, and the vector magnitude of the “go to work” sum is sometimes not very large at all.

I’m going, though.  I’m not yet literally on my way, but I will be soon (and as I edit this for the last time, I am at the office).

Oh, I almost forgot to note, today is May 1^st, 2026 (AD or CE).  Happy May Day, or whatever that holiday is, if it is one.  According to Camelot, May is a lusty month, a time for every frivolous whim, proper or im.  I’m not too terribly sure of the truth of all that, but it’s an amusing song.

Oh (again), I almost forgot (again) to note, I’m writing this on my mini lapcom today.  I haven’t done that in a while, but then again, I haven’t even picked up a guitar in over a week.  Of course, I haven’t played any keyboard (other than computer ones) in a longer time than that.  I also haven’t drawn, nor have I written any fiction.  I haven’t gone on Brilliant dot org this week, either, though I did do some last week, if memory serves.

I’m just very tired.  My various bits (ha ha) of literal hardware that constitute part of my extended phenotype are also getting a bit sluggish and erratic.  My lapcom here, and the lapcom I use at the house, and my smartphone, are all showing a bit of lagginess, a bit of evidence that they are past their prime.  Hey, they’re not alone in that, at least.  I’m so far past my prime you could call me a super-composite number, like 60 squared or something*.

There is an impetus—and there almost certainly would be recommendations, if I were to ask someone—to get a new lapcom and a new mini lapcom and of course a new smartphone.  But I really don’t wanna.  I look at the lapcoms available on Amazon just for fun, and there is a bit of enticement in looking at them, but honestly, I feel like I want to let them go the way of motor vehicles for me:  just to be gone when they’re no longer workable.

I have the vague hope that I will die before I am forced to replace any of these, my three main personal computing devices, which are my only local friends (of sorts).  It’s not so much that I actually feel a personal, sentimental sense of connection with them.  It’s more that I cannot conceive of finding the energy to go through the process of getting new ones, since that seems especially futile in this case.

I currently have no plan and no desire to live long enough to be forced to replace my personal electronic devices.  It just seems valueless, without any reward other than the things that I would buy, themselves, and these really don’t appeal to me.  Maybe someday they might start to appeal again, and I might feel the desire to get new ones.  I don’t know.  But there’s certainly no logic in trying to invest in my life right now.

Okay, sorry about being melodramatic.  I wasn’t trying to do that, honestly.  I don’t feel dramatic about this stuff.  I just feel resigned and tired and even kind of bored.  Nothing is gripping enough to distract me for long from pain and depression.

Though, I have to admit that I’ve recently discovered the YouTube channel “Yee Yee Life”, which basically is just this guy and his cameraman in Texas who (more or less in their own words) take various things, shoot them with various types of bullets, and see what happens.  The shooting part is mildly interesting in itself, but really the draw is the hilarious deadpan comedy of their interactions and the apparent idiocy/lunacy of the host.  This is all clearly deliberate, by the way.  I am not watching people unwittingly make fools of themselves—they are doing it on purpose, and they do it very well.

But, of course, one can only get limited value out of such things at any given time.  It ain’t exactly Carl Sagan’s Cosmos or the BBC’s Planet Earth.

I still do at times watch the YouTube channel PBS Space Time, which has great videos that are nicely informative, but they lot are less interactive with mere YouTube watchers than they used to be, focusing now on their Patreon supporters.  This makes sense for them, of course, since they get more money from them.

I used to support them on Patreon myself—briefly—but I had to let that lapse, since I never really took advantage of the Patreon perks, if there were any.  Why would I want to go to yet another website to be able to enjoy learning the stuff they discuss?  Also, I had to get off the slippery slope of supporting Patreon accounts of people I followed elsewhere.  It ended up threatening to be a serious combination of monthly expenses.

I already subscribe to YouTube premium, which means I am giving money to the people whose videos I watch (the ones that are monetized), and I cannot simply lavish even more money on these various informative and thought-provoking channels.  I would love to be able simply to do so without worry, but I cannot.

Anyway, that’s enough for today, and for this week—but presumably not for this month, since the month has just begun.  I hope you all have a very good weekend, and then a very good week next week, and I hope you then repeat the same pattern but with each new iteration being incrementally better than the last.  If anyone deserves such a thing, surely you do.

Of course, the whole notion of “deserves” is very much an artificial, orthogonal-to-nature concept.  It’s a human invention.  That doesn’t make it not “real”.  But it is not essential, and it is not necessarily even coherent.

Whatever.  Take it easy.  Don’t let the sound of your own wheels drive you crazy.

*60 squared, or 3600, may be one of the “anti-prime” numbers.  It has 45 (!) positive factors!!!  That’s not as cool as being a prime number, but it’s pretty close in the coolness measure.