Hello and good morning. It’s Thursday again, against almost everyone’s better judgment. Indeed, it’s the first Thursday (and the second day) of March, which is a new month (though the name is, of course, not new).
It being Thursday, it’s time once again for my traditional weekly blog post, which differs from my now-daily blog post only in that it follows the old pattern of a Shakespearean title and usually a picture…and, of course, this little introduction in which I note all these points, which is frankly rather tedious. I should probably just quit doing it.
The trains were having severe troubles yesterday morning and yesterday evening. In the morning, there was temporary suspension of the trains northbound from my usual station, due to what the fellow at the station referred to as a “train versus vehicle* event”. The RTA was supposedly providing a “bus bridge” from that station to the next one north of the accident, and indeed, at long last, two full buses arrived bringing passengers from the station north of the event so they could continue south. However, only one of the buses was heading back north, oddly enough, and that bus got full literally just as I was about to get on it. I was the very one at whom the driver held out his hand, palm forward, and said, “No more passengers.”
So, grumbling, I stepped back, and I and the other remnants waited, asking when the next bus would be. The fellow at the station did not know, though he guessed about ten minutes (ha ha). After a while, he received notice that normal service was resuming. This probably means no one had died in the “train versus vehicle event”, which I suppose is a good thing**. I ended up being about an hour late to the office, and this was on Wednesday, which means there was payroll to do. Also, we’re setting up and putting into practice a new program that I am heavily involved in, and we had two new people starting on a trial basis, who needed to be processed…and of course, meanwhile, we had at least three people out sick. I was pretty stressed out, even relative to a normal day.
Then, last night, as I waited at the train station, the southbound train was announced to be late, and then announced to be later, and then that train was cancelled, and then the next one was announced to be late, and then later…
Eventually, it got to the point that, even if that next train got there at its announced later time, by the time I took it, then the two buses***, then walked from the stop to the house, it would be quite late. And, honestly, I didn’t have anything (and certainly not anyone) waiting for me at the house, so it didn’t seem worth it to bother going. I walked back to the office, and I slept here overnight. And here I am writing this.
Such is my life—if you can call it that. I hate it. There’s nothing in it that’s of any real worth. I’m still in chronic pain, I still have insomnia. Obviously, I still have my dysthymia/depression, and of course, if I do have any neurodevelopmental difficulties that have hitherto gone undiagnosed, they certainly haven’t gone away. I remain at least slightly uncertain in that latter category, because though I think the evidence is good, I do not quite trust my own judgment.
Can you blame me?
So, anyway, again, here I am, though metaphorically I am nowhere. I also have a headache, which is probably at least partly tension related. And I’m tired. I’m not sleepy, but I am tired, almost all of the time. I honestly don’t know what to do. I mean, I know what I think I ought to do. But it’s hard to get an “is” from an “ought”—though all “oughts” come from “ises****” contrary to what humeans seem to think—and I don’t have quite the will yet to overcome the activation energy wall created by biological drives/resistances to get to the other side.
I’m working on a way around. There are things one can do to reduce one’s resistance in the short term, to lower that activation energy barrier. But I’m not really interested in drugs, nor am I willing to deal with people who deal in illicit ones, and alcohol just tends to make me sleepy (and yet not to stay asleep or feel rested). I do step swiftly into crosswalks when the lights change, hoping someone will not pay attention to traffic signals and will just hit me; they would deserve to have to deal with it, since pedestrians in the crosswalk have the right of way when obeying signals. But so far—though many seem tempted—even when I tell them to hit me, none of them have. I don’t know whether to feel irked about that or to be slightly pleased that so many people are more careful than one might expect.
Oh, well. It doesn’t matter. I suspect I’ll find a way to get back where I came from one way or another before too long, blisters and biological drives notwithstanding. There must be some kind of quantum tunneling that can eventually get me through that mental barrier*****.
There’s no reason to expect things to head in the opposite direction, though, so I don’t really have any sense of optimism or even of possibility. But in the meantime, I’ll keep writing these daily posts on days when I work, which will include Saturday this week. You can continue to look forward to them, if you do, but for a limited time only.
*Is a train not a type of vehicle, though?
**Although, honestly, given the trouble the driver of said vehicle had caused—presuming that it was that driver’s fault, which is not certain but seems more likely than not—I can’t help but wish that they at least could have been injured badly, and if you had asked me at the time, I would almost certainly have said they ought to have been killed (but not their passengers, of course, unless the accident was caused by such a passenger). After all, given the number of people whom they inconvenienced, and the economic, social, and psychological losses they thereby engendered, and the physical stress they created among many people (me included) it seems likely that their escapade led to diminished health and even premature death in one or more than one person. But they probably didn’t do it on purpose, so perhaps the death penalty would be excessive. Still, I don’t hear about such accidents happening in countries where commuter trains are much more common than here in the US, whereas something of the sort happens almost monthly just during the times of my commutes.
***I probably wouldn’t have walked. I’m trying to rest the healing blister on my right foot, at least from more than a mile of walking at a time. It seems to be doing well.
****That’s a plural that doesn’t want to be spelled.
*****I think this was Dylan’s original first line of All Along the Watchtower, but it just didn’t scan. It turned out fine when fixed, though, and Jimi’s version was even better, as Dylan himself is said to have admitted.