Well, it’s Monday again, which seems to keep happening every week, no matter what people try to do to stop it.
I took the weekend off writing because I had the weekend off work, but now I’m back at the train station (and then back on the train, but thankfully not back on the chain gang) so I’m writing. I still don’t have the will to write any new fiction—nor to play any music. But I seem able to do this, at least.
I didn’t get anything useful done at all this weekend, including getting a good rest, because I’m thoroughly washed out, physically as well as psychologically. I’m not entirely sure why. Maybe it’s just a physical manifestation of worsening dysthymia. Traditionally, I’ve been quite an energetic person, really. Ask anyone who’s known me for a long time; I’m not usually lazy, though there are things I don’t like to do because they’re psychologically unpleasant. But I’ve never been averse to work, per se.
Now, however, I’m barely inclined to get up and go to the office, or to write even this much. But even lying in bed* is frankly uncomfortable for my back after a while, though being up and about is likewise eventually uncomfortable. So, I have to keep switching it up. Anyway, just not working, and not writing, and not doing anything at all would probably shortly become more irritating than doing those things. I don’t have anyone to do anything fun with, because, unfortunately, I find dealing with most people more and more stressful as time goes by (and my masking skills atrophy), and that makes being with me frankly not much fun for other people, either.
Sorry, I realize this is turning into just a complete bummer of a post. I apologize. I’ll try to put some warning** in the title for the sake of those who are easily upset by what the thoughts of someone suffering from potentially-terminal depression sound like—or, well, look like, I guess, since this is written.
I don’t know, do most people read by “speaking” the words in their head, so that reading is like listening, and reading someone’s thoughts is like hearing them? That’s how I read, a fact which probably arises from the prior fact that my parents (and my older siblings, too, if I remember correctly) read out loud to me when I was very young. I get the impression that not everyone experiences this. I personally think any parent who doesn’t read aloud to their children should not be called a parent, and indeed, probably ought to have their organs of generation removed and burned on a sacrificial altar. I am biased in this, of course, but I also think I’m actually right***.
For those of you who haven’t heard (or read) yet, the new 988 hotline number has gone into effect, or so I understand, starting on July 16th, 2022. This is a new way to access—by phone and by text—the national Suicide Prevention Lifeline, or whatever the official name of the thing is. It’s good to know and have available, though evidently the old toll-free number (1-800-273-8255) is still extant and is hooked into the same system.
This is the sort of stuff to which I pay attention, for what are probably obvious reasons. I skim over to the associated website a couple of times a week, weighing pros and cons. Unfortunately, I had a very bad experience after calling the original number a while ago****, so I don’t think I’ll ever use it again, though I have in the past (obviously).
Anyway, I hate myself far, far too much, and I don’t honestly think I deserve to get help, so I’m highly unlikely to seek it in any straightforward way. The best route for me is probably the Shakespearean bare bodkin…though honestly, the idea of using a dagger for such a purpose is intimidating, to say the least. But I think Hamlet was speaking somewhat figuratively when he said that.
Anyway, that’s enough from me for now. If I’m still doing this—or anything at all—I suppose I’ll probably write something tomorrow, and maybe it’ll be a bit cheerier than this. I would say it couldn’t be much less cheery, but this is me we’re talking about; I don’t think there are any limits to how gloomy and dismal I can be.
A person has to be good at something, I guess*****.
*I sleep on a futon on the floor, actually, because it’s a bit better for my back and saves space.
**I did, see?
***Okay, perhaps not about the burning on the sacrificial altar. But I think the rest is correct.
****This was NOT the fault of the helpline, however!! I want to make that clear, and I do NOT want to discourage anyone from calling or texting any version of the helpline. If you are in doubt, use it! It’s a brilliant organization, and the people involved are wonderful and do a terrific job providing a very beneficial service that saves who-knows-how-many lives. My bad experience was with a couple of imbeciles in the Palm Beach County Sheriff’s Office, who handcuffed me because I was feeling suicidal—which I guess is scary, because it might be, I don’t know, contagious?—and did nerve damage to my left hand in the process. They do seem to let a lot of pussies become cops these days, but I have no doubt at all there are good cops out there, and I’d be willing to accept that most cops are good cops and good people, or at least try to be such. Who knows, the guys who cuffed me for being depressed might have gotten forced into early retirement after shooting someone for having partial complex seizures or something.
*****That’s not of necessity true as a matter of physical law or logical necessity, but I think it’s almost certainly true that every reasonably functional human has abilities that could be considered “good” at a significant number of things. The ability to speak, let alone read and write, in a complex symbolic language alone is unprecedented in the natural world. No other species before us seems to have done it, and as far as we can tell, no other species alive right now does it. On Earth, anyway.