I thought I would just quickly get on to let you all know that I am staying at the house, sick today, and will not be doing my usual Thursday blog. I hope you all feel better than I do (though I suspect my cousin, Lance, does not feel better. So for those of you who are well:. Good. Please try to stay that way. For the others, please take good care of yourselves and get better soon.
TTFN
I’m really going to try to make this short, if not sweet, today, because I’m laden with a respiratory virus that hit rather suddenly and progressed very quickly yesterday afternoon. I’m feeling quite under the weather, however much better the weather is than it was only a few days ago. How under the weather, you ask? Well, I woke up to my alarm this morning rather than hours before. I guess my body is awash with enough immune cytokines and interferons and interleukins and related crap that they were able to suppress my insomnia. I guess that’s a good thing, in its own way. At least my system is smart enough to force itself to go into rest mode in certain, relatively extreme circumstances.
Of course, I’m going in to the office today, though ideally, I should not. Indeed, I would not if it were not Wednesday. But on Wednesdays, the payroll has to be done, so I’ll do it as soon as all the reports arrive. But after that, I mean to leave the office. It’s just too ironic that I’m sick enough that I’m able to sleep, but I can’t because of work. I’m sure there are millions of people who can relate to that.
I’m writing this on my phone, by the way, because I deliberately chose not to bring the laptop with me yesterday when I left the office. I felt like crap, and I just didn’t want to have anything extra to carry. I will try to remember to bring it today, though. The Thursday blog post is easier to write‒and feels more natural‒on the laptop.
I’ve been feeling an added impetus to do a “podcast” if you will, what I call an “audio blog” post, relating to sugar metabolism and its issues, since I uncovered how apparently insulin resistant I have become. It seems appropriate. Of course, right now I am just too hoarse and ill to consider doing such a thing. But I will try to get around to it soon. Obviously, it’s been something I’ve been thinking about quite a lot, both lately, and in the past. Diabetes and related matters comprise a big chunk of the work of a typical general internist in the modern world.
Then I guess I’ll try perhaps to do an audio blog on Parkinson’s disease and/or on the whole cybernetic future thing. I’m not, for the moment, planning on doing any specific outline of the subjects before doing the recordings, but obviously, I’ll think them through a bit ahead of time. I’ll see how they do, audience reception-wise, before deciding whether or not to do more. But I’m not likely to record anything before the new year.
Wow, “the new year”…just think about it: within a few days it will be the beginning of 2023. It seems like barely 12 months ago that it was the end of 2021. How did 2 years pass in just over 12 months?
Ha ha.
Of course, now that Christmas has passed, the Tri-rail has, as I suspected they would, put on the automated message that, yes, they will be operating on a Sunday schedule on January 1st, New Year’s Day. Which is a Sunday, so of course they are on a Sunday schedule. The saddest part of that announcement is that there probably really are a few people out there who need to be told that information. But I can’t help thinking that a person who requires that announcement to know that the trains will run on a Sunday schedule on a Sunday will probably still not get the idea.
I wonder how long it will be before they start auto playing the announcement about the next holiday that applies. I’ll probably let you know when it happens.
Anyway, I think that’s about it for now. It’s been difficult enough getting the post to be this long. Stay well and healthy. And wear masks if you have to go out in public when you’re sick. That’s what I’m doing. Or, well, I’m wearing a mask; more than one at a time is rather stifling, and probably doesn’t confer significantly greater benefits, though it may perhaps give some improvement.
Well, it’s Tuesday, the 27th of December (in 2022 AD or CE) and I’m writing this on my phone because I didn’t feel like carrying my laptop yesterday. I have to say, now that I’m not writing fiction anymore, I find the portable laptop more and more just useless and even irritating. It was handy on Friday night, when I was at the hotel‒“free” Wifi that comes with the room and all that‒but that sort of thing is unlikely to happen very often. In any case, I brought it with me on Friday specifically with that thought in mind. But for other purposes, it’s just mostly an unnecessary and often unpleasant burden, rather like its owner (me).
I think it’s interesting that, come 2023, I will be (indeed, I already am) 53, a prime number, in a year for which the last 2 digits (23) are a prime. 2023 is not a prime, though it looks like it might be at first glance. But it has prime factors 7 and 17 apparently; a nice pair, but the number they produce (by multiplying 7 x 17 x 17) is by definition not prime. Still, that’s not many prime factors, and again, they’re particularly pleasing primes, though 7 and 13 would have been more fun. But 7 x 13 x 13 would be 1183, I think…yes, that’s right. I just went and checked my mental arithmetic and it was correct. Phew, that would have been embarrassing to make that sort of mistake in front of all my readers.
So, anyway, 1183 is nice, but it’s 840 years ago next year. So I’m a little late for that one, I’m afraid. It’s 839 years ago this year, and 839 is a prime number, but neither 2022 nor 22 are prime, so what’s the point in that? I wouldn’t even have looked at the number if not for my previous digression.
All that stuff is beside the point I intended to make. The point is, my age is a prime, and the last 2 digits of the year will be prime, so if I die before my next birthday (but on or after New Year’s Day, of course), I will, in a sense, die “in my prime”. It’s slightly forced, but as Michael Palin said in the role of a pet shop owner, “It’s as near as dammit”. He was trying to pass off a terrier as a cat for the customer, who said it wasn’t a “proper cat”.
Anyway, that’s all slightly encouraging about next year’s prospects for me. It’s about all I have to look forward to (or, rather, “all I have to which to look forward”), so I have to take what I can get, even if it involves squeezing a bit of the potential prime number relationships.
When you think about it, the numbers for the years are more or less entirely arbitrary, and even Darth Ratzinger* has admitted that the historical Jesus (assuming he actually lived) was born in about 6 BC, according to our current date system. Which is kind of funny, when you think about it‒Jesus was born six years before Christ. But then, we know he wasn’t born on Christmas, either, as I’ve mentioned before. Hey, it was 2000 or so years ago, how accurate do you want people to have been**?
The next subsequent chance I would possibly have to die “in my prime” would not be until 2029, when I’m 59! Although, 2029 is actually a prime number, and so is 29. So that’s a bit tempting. But I don’t even really want to imagine waiting six more years!! And what if I died by accident some year in between? What a waste that would be.
All of this is silliness, of course. I like the idea because it’s playing with prime numbers and playing with words at the same time, and they are both things that I like to do. But I’m not in any way committed to any numerological notions in any magical thinking sense. If I were, then the 2029, 59 thing would be much more convincing, particularly since 2029 is the year the asteroid Apophis‒named for an ancient Egyptian god of chaos and destruction‒will come within 19,000 kilometers of Earth on April 13th. That will be a Friday the 13th, by the way! And if the asteroid passes through a very tiny gravitational “keyhole” (extremely unlikely) it will have its orbit altered such that seven years later it will hit the Earth***. If I were dogmatic, committed to some quasi-mystical notion of prime numbers and the magical powers of some words, that would all be quite convincing.
But I don’t believe in any mystical or magical things, and I don’t think I’m wrong not to want to believe in them. I’m well acquainted with metaphorical notions of magic (and fictional ones, of course) and am well acquainted with awe and with the numinous and with the state of being moved profoundly by wondrous things, from the contemplation of the scope of space and time on up to the births of my children. But these don’t require belief, in the sense of conviction without justifiable evidence and reason. Faith of that kind is a bug, not a feature, of the minds in which it resides.
So, no, I’m not convinced by the prime number/prime of one’s life coincidence. I’m just very tired, and have nothing of real, deep value in my life, nor am I myself of any real, deep value. But I enjoy prime numbers and word games, so it would at least be mildly amusing and satisfying‒or so I imagine‒to die in a year in which my age is prime and so are the last 2 digits of the year. There’s nothing deeper to it than that.
There probably is nothing deeper than that, come to think of it.
*That’s the Sith name of Pope Emeritus Benedict. Is he even still alive? Also, why does “Sith” get the red squiggly underline of an unrecognized word, but “Jedi” doesn’t? It’s blatant bigotry and hypocrisy by the Jedi, as should come as no surprise to anyone. Well, I’ve added Sith to my local dictionary, at least.
**Of course, presumably God could have ensured precision and accuracy, but probably an omniscient, omnipotent, infinite being would not think our arbitrary dating systems‒or indeed, we ourselves‒were important in any way whatsoever.
***Of course, there’s plenty of time before then for someone who has, for instance, a private space program to send up a rocket that will gently nudge the asteroid, just a little bit, so that it hits the Earth in 2029…or in 2036, if that’s easier to pull off. It wouldn’t need to be anything as dramatic as NASA’s recent asteroid deflection test thing, but it would require careful simulation and then application of force on a local scale. Are you listening, Elon? It wouldn’t be a mass extinction event, nor even a civilization-ending event, but it would be a global catastrophe such as hasn’t been seen since civilization began. It might shake humans out of their idiotic Woke vs. MAGA type tribal bickering and make them take seriously the fact that they need to spread out off this planet, to colonize the moon and Mars and so on. Or…was that actually the purpose of the rocket you sent toward Mars with a Tesla in it? Is that camouflage for a mission to nudge Apophis to make it hit the Earth? That’s it, isn’t it? Oh, I knew you were an evil genius after my own heart!****
****Speaking of evil geniuses, I’ve seen recent videos that show, for instance, what the Death Star’s weapon would look like if it were accurate to real lasers, or showing how impractical it would be to use such a powerful laser, and regarding the apparent rebound energy if one fired a laser powerful enough to destroy a planet. But the Death Star weapon is no more a laser than are blasters or lightsabers (though lasers may be involved in the workings of the devices). Blasters and lightsabers are packeted plasma weapons of some kind, with the plasma perhaps constrained in highly shaped electromagnetic fields. And the Death Star weapon is similar but of a different fundamental type. I suspect it to be a highly energetic and dense plasma, but composed of anti-matter, and when the plasma strikes the planet at relativistic speeds, the matter/antimatter annihilation is what provides the incredible destructive force. Or perhaps, alternatively, it is some form of plasma of W and Z particles, which cause massive, rapid nuclear decay in the atoms of the planets they strike, causing hitherto unprecedented fission events on a planetary scale. It might even be a quark-gluon plasma, but generating that on such a scale seems boggling even to my jaded science fantasy mind. Anyway, that’s neither here nor there, it’s just a pet peeve.
*****It can come from the 7th rib, though, and I guess you could request that specially.
For those of you in the United States, just in case you don’t already know, Boxing Day is basically just the day after Christmas. It’s celebrated in the UK, and apparently in Canada and other parts of the “Commonwealth”, though how exactly it’s celebrated is not clear to me. It’s also not clear to me—after a few random, admittedly not very careful searches—just what the day actually celebrates, other than the day after Christmas, or to what the Boxing part of Boxing Day refers.
It doesn’t appear to have anything at all to do with the sport of boxing, nor the dog breed, boxers. I don’t think it has anything to do with the Boxer rebellion in China, either—why would it? It’s a bit of a mystery. Maybe it’s related to people putting the gifts they didn’t really want that they received for Christmas back in their boxes to take to the store for refunds, or to put in the attic (or “loft” as they say in the UK). I doubt that, though.
It’s been a slightly interesting weekend. On Friday I bit the bullet and went to the evening dinner/party with the office, but I arranged things so that I didn’t need anyone to drive me there or to drive me all the way back to the house. Instead, I took the train up to Delray Beach as soon as the office closed and walked to a hotel—The Hyatt Place at Delray Beach—where I’d decided to indulge in a rather large expense and reserve a room for the night.
From there, after a rest, I walked two blocks to the restaurant and immediately started ordering drinks to allow me to socialize, then had a pleasant evening with the people I know from the office. It had begun to get cold—for south Florida, certainly—by that time, and I was pleased to have only a two block walk back to my nicely warm hotel room, where I cuddled up and slept off my drinks, had a continental breakfast in the morning, and then walked back to the train station at about eleven-ish (it was 3 miles…still is, as far as I know) and took the train back to Hollywood and thence to the house.
Since then, I’ve slept a great deal, which is really nice for me. I tried to keep low on carbs for what I’ve eaten this weekend, because it turns out that I’ve probably become pre-diabetic.
I had been trying to see if I could do a near-vegan* diet, including plenty of legumes and other sources of protein, to see if it could help me be healthier and lose weight. It rapidly did the opposite (I was gaining weight and I felt worse), and as I walked through a Walgreen’s one evening, thinking about my family history, I checked into the diabetic supplies area, amazed to note that one could buy a glucometer for less than twenty dollars! I remember when you used to need a prescription to get one because you needed your insurance to pay for it, because they were expensive.
Anyway, not that day, but soon after, I bought one, and tested my fasting blood sugar a few days in a row, and found it to be slightly high, in the pre-diabetic range. This is not terribly surprising, given my family history, but it was a well-needed confirmation of my suspicion. I have to admit, on those few occasions when I’ve tried a carbohydrate-restricted diet, I have felt generally healthier. But it’s been hard for me to maintain, for the temptations of carbs are everywhere, and are all the more difficult to resist when one is stressed out, as appears to be my default state.
But now I have blood glucose confirmation that things are going to go badly if I continue to indulge—and death by type 2 diabetes is too slow a process to make it appealing. I also know that low carb diets have been objectively beneficial for me in the past—my resting pulse, which normally runs too fast (at over 100 bpm) went down to the mid-sixties, my total cholesterol to about 138, my triglycerides almost ridiculously low, and my HDL at a nicely normal range. You get the idea. I felt better, and I looked better (at least at the chemical, microscopic level), and it was only because I had trouble being motivated to control my appetite that I didn’t stick with that mode of eating.
So that’s the plan, or part of it, for the moment. I’ll keep you posted on an intermittent basis on how things are going.
In the meantime, I’m on my way to the office, though there are far fewer people on the train today than usual—in fact, until five minutes before time for the first train to arrive, I was the only person waiting at the station. I’m still waking up early, but then again, given how much I slept this weekend, at least I don’t feel worn out. It’s good not to feel worn out already, first thing on a Monday morning, but I often already do feel that way. So in that sense, it’s been a good holiday weekend. Indeed, we did not work on Saturday, but I did have a nice (low carb) breakfast and a good walk to the train.
I hope you all have a nice several days in this last week of 2022. Remember, since January 1st will fall on a Sunday, there will be a Friday the 13th in January—not one of the movies, but the day. I always like those days. They’re almost never bad luck for me (and there’s no reason other than self-fulfilling prophecies for them to be bad luck for anyone else).
Please enjoy your elaborate, traditional Boxing Day celebrations. But if you do celebrate by boxing, please restrict yourselves to body blows. Even with gloves and padding, just the inertial transfer of any blows to the head always does some damage to the brain, which tends to be both permanent and cumulative. Many of us can’t afford to lose more than we already have lost.
*I like to make the joke that it’s ironic that people who only eat vegetables or similar here on earth use the term “vegan”, because the dominant native intelligent life forms in the Vega star system—the Vegans, in other words—are obligate carnivores. Of course, that’s just a joke; there aren’t really any native species in the Vega star system—it’s too young a star to have evolved complex life. The inhabitants there are all colonists. But the dominant ones of those are obligate carnivores**.
**Earth people need not fear some kind of carnivorous alien invasion, though. Any species that are products of completely separate evolutionary histories cannot readily eat any of the life forms from the other biosphere. At best they would simply get no nutritional value from their meal—like pandas, as carnivores, trying to get enough food out of bamboo, but thousands of times worse, with only some minerals and electrolytes and perhaps a few simple biochemicals being useful. But much more likely, the eaten life form’s own endemic microbes would begin to break down their hosts while in the new species’ ineffectual digestive system, and would cause physical and probably chemical damage to the eater. Many very basic microbes are remarkably good at dining on things that complex life cannot digest…including said complex life.
Okay, well, it’s Friday at last, and it’s “Christmas Eve eve” as I sometimes say. It turns out that the office apparently isn’t going to be open tomorrow, which surprises me‒as is obvious, I guess. I still could find out otherwise, I suppose, but I doubt it.
I’m writing this on my phone again, and I have been doing so most days this week. I think I used my laptop on one of the days, perhaps Tuesday, but not on Wednesday, when I wrote my long and rather irritating post full of self-congratulation for deeds of the past that have no relevance to my current life. That long-winded blather was from my phone, if you can believe it!
I actually slept comparatively well last night; I only finally woke up at about 3:50 this morning, which for me is about a two-hour lie-in. I’m not even waiting for the first train of the day; I’m waiting for the second one!
I’m surprised that I slept quite so well yesterday, because I had an unusually bad day for pain‒or perhaps it would be better to say it was a good day for pain and thus a bad day for me. The pain was focused in my right lower back down through my hip to the ankle and the arch and ball of my foot, but spreading up through to the upper back and shoulder blade and arm, and nothing that I did or took seemed to make more than a transient difference.
I was walking around the office like Richard the Third most of the day, when I was up. We did get some very lovely cookies from my sister for the office‒she sends such packages often and they are beloved by all, and justly so‒but I couldn’t enjoy them as much as I wish I could have, because I was in a lot of pain and severely grumpy.
They were/are amazingly good, though.
I am still in a bit of accelerated pain this morning, but then I’m basically always in pain. It’s not yet as bad as yesterday, at least, so keep your fingers crossed, please. Or don’t if you’d rather not; I hardly think it actually has any effect on any outcome other than the configuration of your fingers.
I suppose it’s just a way for me to express my anxious hope mixed with fear and tension, and to invite some kind of shared emotional support from readers. Though, of course, for that, it doesn’t make all that much sense, since how would I even know if any of you are crossing your fingers? I suppose you could leave a comment saying that you are, but the very act of typing a comment must make it at least slightly less likely that your fingers are actually crossed, certainly while typing.
Anyway, I hope that my pain today is less than it was yesterday. But even I personally will not be crossing my fingers, since I don’t think that gesture has any magical powers, so you shouldn’t feel obliged to do it, yourself, either.
Come to think of it, I don’t think anything has any magical powers. My first thought about that is “more’s the pity”, but really, what would magical powers even be? If they existed, they would be actual phenomena of nature, and would have some lawful underpinning and explanation.
That’s one thing I’ve always kind of been disappointed about in the Harry Potter books. They take place in a school, and have genius characters like Dumbledore and Tom Riddle and Hermione, who surely would have curiosity toward the hows and wherefores of magic, yet there’s not even a hint of an explanation for how it works, why it works, what it actually is, or anything. I think some touching upon that subject would have been very fun.
I mean, for instance, how does apparation work? It involves a sensation of squeezing through something, but is that some form of hyperspace, or a wormhole, or what? How do wands enhance or channel magical power from individuals gifted in magic? How was that figured out for the first time? Clearly people can do some magic without wands‒so, how necessary are they?
When did people begin to be able to do magic? Clearly people haven’t always been able to do magic; there haven’t even always been people! Was the ability to use magic some new, isolated mutation, like blue eyes, that spread through the population (as it surely would)? Clearly it’s not some complex mutation, as it arises de novo in the human population, leading muggle-born witches and wizards to arise with some regularity.
Perhaps there is a complex of genes that, only when all present together (perhaps even only when homozygous) instantiate the ability to do magic. Maybe most humans have some large fraction of the necessary genes‒after all, as I noted, the ability to use magic seems likely to have been a significant evolutionary advantage‒but it’s so easy to lose some necessary part of the biological (neurological?) machinery necessary through random mutation that most people are mutated slightly away from the complete set and so become muggles*. Or, if born to witches and wizards they are given the derogatory term “squibs”.
I don’t recall how I got on this topic, but it is interesting, and I wish Rowling would at least have hinted at some studies or explanation, at least when discussing the Department of Mysteries.
Alas.
Anyway, since I apparently won’t be writing a post tomorrow, I would like to wish all of you who celebrate it‒in the words of the late, great hero, Dobby the house elf‒a very Harry Christmas**. Maybe take a moment to read the Christmas scenes in the various Harry Potter novels. Christmas at Hogwarts, for the students who stayed over the holidays, seems always to have been an interesting occasion, albeit not as fun as Halloween. Halloween at Hogwarts would have been quite the thing to experience. The only close contender that readily comes to mind is Halloween with the Addamses. That would be interesting!
I guess I’ll be back on Monday, then, though it is at least slightly possible that I could be wrong about tomorrow. If I am, I’ll be writing a post, and it may be quite a grumpy one, though maybe not. After all, what do I have to do with my time other than go to the office? Not much, honestly.
Oh, well.
*This raises the odd thought for me about what might happen if a cancer developed that, by chance, has a complete set of magical genes, in a muggle who had been almost complete. Could one have a “magic tumor”? I guess probably not, since it seems magic would be a collective function of many aspects of the nervous system, not a property of every individual cell. Perhaps this is one reason why wizards can’t just fix visual impairment‒Harry Potter wears glasses, and no one ever even suggests that magic might be able to cure his vision. But the eyes are, quite literally, extensions of the central nervous system‒though the lenses aren’t, come to think of it‒and maybe tampering with the eyes through magic is particularly dangerous, or perhaps the nervous system always rejects such attempts.
**As an aside, I have to tell someone that, in the song Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas, I’ve always tended to hear the line, “Faithful friends who are dear to us gather near to us once more,” as if they are singing, “…gather near to us one s’more”, and I think, “How are they going to share one s’more between a group of people? I mean, it’s “friends” who are dear to “us”, which to me implies at least four people, total. How can you split one s’more between four people? Also, it would make a mess, with graham cracker crumbs and melted chocolate all over various hands and the floor and all that. Anyway, I know that’s not what they’re saying, but every time I hear it, those thoughts go through my head.
Hello and good morning. It’s Thursday, December 22, 2022, which is another sort of fun day for twos, though it doesn’t fall on a Tuesday, so it’s not as fun as this Tuesday was.
Yesterday was the Solstice‒the winter one in the northern hemisphere and the summer one in the southern hemisphere‒and I completely neglected to mention it. Instead, I went on an overlong, self-aggrandizing, self-indulgent ramble, and for that I apologize. I doubt that I’ll be doing something like that again.
Now that the solstice has come, it’s officially winter in the north, so the Game of Thrones people can shut the hell up about it. And in the south, summer has arrived. Meanwhile, in the north, the days have begun to grow longer, or at least the daylight time has, relative to the night. It won’t be noticeable for quite a long time, though; at and around the peaks and troughs of sine curves, the rate of change of the function is at its lowest, and the length of daylight over the course of a year is one of the oodles of sinusoidal processes in the natural world.
I’m really tired, but I am here at the train station, the first to arrive to get on the first train. I couldn’t sleep, even though I got to sleep late because the Wi-fi had gone out and I was on chat with Xfinity (on my phone) until quite late trying to get it fixed. My one source of relaxation and release is to be able to watch some YouTube videos when I get back to the house from work, and it certainly costs an absurd amount of money, so I become quite irritable when it doesn’t work. It seems tentatively to have been sorted, but I have a likewise tentative appointment for a service call…on Sunday morning, the 25th of December, the only day I have off until New Year’s Eve. It’s a date that may be familiar to many of you as the one on which we celebrate the birth of Isaac Newton*.
Well, it’s not as if I’m doing anything but laundry that day, anyway.
Wow, I feel like I’ve written a lot today already, but it’s only about 450 words so far, counting the footnotes. I really am tired. Stupid nervous system. Why don’t you sleep??!? Yesterday, of course, I wrote and wrote until it was way too long, and I excised whole paragraphs from the final post when I edited it. I was almost hypomanic, just for a little while there‒or at least, that’s what it felt like compared to my usual subjectivity. Maybe it’s just the way healthy, normal people tend to feel, and it’s so unusual that it feels bizarre to me.
I don’t really think I felt “normal” in that sense, though, or at least I didn’t feel it about myself. I felt weird and loopy and still different and distant from all the other people in the world‒the humans‒but at least I had energy and a bit of enthusiasm. The only times I remember having really felt “normal” were the two occasions when I was given Valium for medical procedures‒wisdom teeth extraction and heart catheterization, when I was about 17 and 18 respectively.
I recall both of those experiences with great fondness. I even remember when my heart did a big whopping double-beat that I could feel all the way up my neck during the catheterization, as the cardiologist bumped the SA node or the AV node or something along those lines. My reaction was to say, “That was cooool.” And it was.
I don’t know what my point is. There probably is no point to me. Even my head is quite rounded. I guess I could try to find a pointed stick to carry, since defending oneself with fresh fruit is more difficult than defending oneself against an attacker armed with fresh fruit.
There, that’s my most niche, nerdy reference of the day. Or is it?
With that, I think I’ll draw to a close. I don’t have a clue what sort of Shakespeare quote I’ll alter for my title today, nor what picture I’ll put in the post, but it’s Thursday, so there will be such things. Of course, you who are reading this do know both of those facts, which is curious to think about…my readers right now know things about my blog post that I, as I write it, do not know. Time travel‒you can’t keep it straight in your head; it’s too wibbly-wobbly, timey-wimey.
I think I need a Doctor.
TTFN
*Though, in all honesty, he was born on December 25th according to the Julian calendar, so the equivalent Gregorian date is 10 or 11 days off (I don’t recall which, and I can’t be arsed to look it up). Then again, most biblical scholars apparently agree that Jesus was born in the summertime, based on the descriptions of his birth in two of the gospels**, so Newton’s birthday is much closer to the Gregorian December 25th.
**The other two gospels, Mark and John, I think***, don’t even mention his birth.
***I remembered correctly‒I just checked. It’s weird the things one remembers about matters such as this.
It’s Wednesday morning, and not even really close to five o’clock yet. I’m early enough to be the only person yet waiting for the trains. I woke up this morning quite early‒obviously‒and though I briefly watched part of a lecture on exploring prime numbers and the Fibonacci sequence, I couldn’t really rest, and I’ve felt angry since pretty much when I woke up. I’m not angry at being awake, though that is irritating. I’m not even particularly angry at me, though I’m almost always at least a little pissed at myself. I was angry and thinking about a stupid exchange from my first medical practice after residency, with one of the partners in the practice.
The substance of it isn’t important, it’s just odd that it came into my mind. I mean, yes, it pissed me off at the time and I think I was not irrational to be pissed off (though I held my tongue), but it was more than twenty years ago. Why is that making me angry first thing in the morning? It is fun to imagine things I might have said then, had I been the person I am now. I take far less shit than I used to take, largely because I have very little left to lose, and much of what I have‒indeed, sometimes all of it‒I frankly want to lose. At least, I don’t feel that what I have is much worth fighting to keep.
It is quite amazing to think that it’s been more than twenty years since I finished residency and moved to Florida and started in private medical practice. It’s been about thirty-one and a half years since I got married…and slightly more than half that long since my wife divorced me. And it’s been about ten years since I’ve seen either of my kids in person or since my son has spoken to me in any way but via a semi-formal E-mail. A lot has happened in the last 20 years, I guess; I’ve barely hit the highlights here. But it still has passed rather quickly on the subjective level.
I’m saddled with a good memory, so I recall a lot of the things that have happened in my life, even going back to quite a young age. I remember the very bad leg aches I used to get as a child, which make my current chronic pain almost feel nostalgic. I remember really hating the noise of the cannons (and presumably, though to a lesser extent, the muskets) at the musket festival at Greenfield Village, but my memories of that place are otherwise extremely positive. There were great molasses cookies from the old-fashioned bakery and candy sticks from the general store, and beeswax candles that my sister loved, and of course all the old rebuilt buildings and roads and horse-drawn carriages…it really was (and presumably still is) an excellent place.
An evening at Greenfield Village
That’s better stuff on which to dwell than on the sometimes irritating personality of a former senior doctor. I’ll say this, though: he took good care of his patients, and he also made them feel well cared for, at an above-average level. Respect is due. Those things are not as common as they ought to be. He was (and presumably still is) a good doctor.
I had a positive moment yesterday, which came at the end of a long, fairly frustrating process. The details aren’t important, but basically I was trying to do something that in the past has always ended up requiring a few hours on the phone with tech support and with them remotely controlling our computers to do what needed doing. I was trying to do it on my own without contacting them, and I followed the basic steps‒the good thing about computers and related systems is that they have internal logic that is consistent and explicable. Still, I hit an impasse, and knew I was missing something that the tech support people had always needed to pull off in the past, sometimes with difficulty, but I hadn’t been able to see it, and it wasn’t part of the standard steps of the whole process.
I tried watching some videos but they were superficial, and I was steeling myself to get in touch with “the IT crowd”, when something clicked, and I thought I realized what to do. It took about twenty minutes of watching to see if I had succeeded, but turned out that I had.
Such moments are remarkably euphorigenic. I mean, I know I’m reasonably “smart” about some things. Certain types of endeavors have always been easier for me than they are for most people, though there are other things that other people do readily that I find all but incomprehensible.
But every now and then one does something that was difficult, and it brings a joy along the lines of having solved a difficult puzzle, but with the added benefit of being useful, and of being something many other people wouldn’t have seen, or not as readily, anyway. It’s particularly zingy when it happens in a field in which one is not actually an expert, but it can even happen in cases where someone is.
For instance, there was a case in residency in which a code was called for a man in respiratory distress, who was having “Cheyne-Stokes” respirations. Without intervention he probably would have died, but such situations are run-of-the-mill in a hospital, and he was being intubated before immediate danger of death threatened. He wasn’t my patient, but it occurred to me that he was a relatively young man to be in that situation, and from group rounds I thought I remembered that he had a drug problem. So I asked if anyone had tried Narcan*, and they hadn’t.
They got the Narcan out of the crash cart, gave him a shot of it in his IV, and Wow! He practically exploded to life. I’m sure it was unpleasant for him, especially since he was already intubated, and abrupt opiate withdrawal is not pleasant for anyone. But he was alive, and now it was clear that some “friend” had brought this patient‒who had been put in a corner, single room somehow‒a dose of heroin or something similar, and he had overdosed while in the hospital.
I had a slightly different type of feel-good moment as the Senior Medical Resident on a nighttime consultation in the Rehab wing of Jacobi Hospital for a patient who was having palpitations and a very fast heart beat. A quick EKG revealed a benign kind of supraventricular tachycardia (SVT). I tried a quick vagal maneuver that didn’t work, and then gave a push of adenosine to the patient and the rhythm broke. The patient was very happy**, as was the rehab resident, who began almost deferentially calling me “Dr. Elessar” after that, though she was just as much a doctor as I was, and certainly just as expert in her own field.
SVT – Supraventricular tachycardia
And once, during an ICU/CCU rotation***, I helped nudge an obviously dead-on-his-feet Cardiology fellow (they have a very rough schedule) by asking if maybe we shouldn’t quickly cardiovert a patient who was intubated but conscious and was now going into ventricular tachycardia****. He sort of blinked as if he didn’t even know what language I was speaking, then shook his head and said, right, yeah, that’s what we should do. We did, and it worked.
V-tach – Ventricular tachycardia
I can tell you, there’s nothing quite like the facial expression of someone who’s being externally cardioverted at bedside‒this is basically the same as the defibrillation scenes you see in TV and movies, and it uses the same equipment‒while conscious. It’s not a pleasant thing for a patient to experience. However, she converted immediately to sinus rhythm, and afterward grabbed my hand and squeezed it before I stepped back, showing her appreciation, so I guess it was worth the moment of extreme discomfort for her.
It’s one thing to know intellectually that one is reasonably intelligent, but these little events that demonstrate competence and success, however inconsequential (or sometimes quite consequential), really do give a person a boost. The opportunities don’t come as often now as they used to come, so I have to relish them when they do. I was rather giddy for a few hours at work after my minor success yesterday, and jokingly said to my coworker, paraphrasing Apollo 13, “I…am a steely-eyed missile man.”
It’s silly and unimportant, of course, but I rarely feel good about myself, so I’ll cut myself a bit of slack. it didn’t help me sleep any better last night, though. And then I woke up in an angry mood, but I guess it was ego-syntonic anger, in that I wasn’t angry at myself but at the memory of a twenty-year-old, unimportant interaction. Beggars can’t be choosers, as they say.
*For those of you unfamiliar with it, this is a drug that blocks the action of opiates and related compounds, and it does so quickly and strongly. It’s not fun for the patient, but it can be life-saving and more.
**I don’t recall if we transferred the patient directly to a medical floor or merely continued to consult and ask Cardiology to take a look‒in a public hospital, we didn’t necessarily get to follow up on particular patients long-term.
***I think this was the rotation in which once while on call I literally did not sit down for thirty hours straight, and in which, due to the call schedule, I worked 21-days in a row, had a day off, and then worked another 10 in a row. It was a busy month, but a hell of a learning experience in many ways.
****Much more acutely dangerous than SVT, especially in a critically ill patient. It can easily progress to ventricular fibrillation and even of itself can cause cardiac arrest.
Well, I have my laptop with me today, and I’m at the train station even earlier than I was yesterday. This is related to the fact that I woke up even earlier today than yesterday, though I didn’t go to bed or to sleep any earlier.
It is 12-20-2022 on a Tuesday, which is kind of fun—because there are a lot of 2s in today’s date. I don’t mind the zeroes, but I wish we didn’t have that numeral one in today’s date. I do remember that the Tuesday on which fell, using the European date writing system, the twenty-second of February of this year was 22-02-2022, which is about as palindromic as such dates can get*, and the ultimate twos-day. Matt Parker did a video a few years ago about February 2, 2020 for Stand-up Maths, claiming it was the most palindromic, because it worked in European or American dating order. He had a point; I’ll put a link here if I remember. But that date did not fall on a Tuesday.
I had to check online to confirm the days on which the dates above fell. I could probably have worked it out for myself with a bit of figuring. If I had plenty of energy, it’s the sort of thing I might do—but not right now. Right now I have almost no energy. I’m frankly exhausted at nearly every level, though perhaps not according to the literal definition of the word, since it implies something that is fully empty (is that an oxymoron?) in the literal sense.
I feel like I am very close to that point, though. I’m so tired of doing what I do every day, just to maintain the various functions of life that continue to require maintenance, from eating, to brushing teeth, to working, to buying food, to getting to and from work, to doing laundry, to all those other things that are just repetitive maintenance for a life that I don’t even want to keep doing.
There’s a famous fact of physics that, if there were an airless hole straight through the middle of the Earth**, and if one jumped into the hole, it would take—if memory serves—forty-two minutes to get to the other side of the planet. I believe Newton figured this out, himself. Of course, this is highly counterfactual, since there would be air resistance and worse in such a hole, and a large portion of the Earth isn’t even really solid, so you couldn’t maintain a hole, and the Earth’s interior is far too hot to survive passing through even at high speeds. But still, it seems like it would be nice just to jump into such a hole and fall, going back and forth through the planet without stopping, forever, or at least for the rest of one’s life.
Actually, come to think of it, that’s an experience that’s the same as any form of free-fall. Anytime one is moving unimpeded along a geodesic in spacetime, one is in the same circumstance. That was Einstein’s great insight that I believe he described as the happiest thought of his life: when he realized that a man falling from a high roof would effectively experience no forces whatsoever while falling, and it led him to the principle of equivalence—that acceleration and gravitation are locally indistinguishable—which then led him down the path to General Relativity. So, just being an astronaut on the ISS would be the same experience, internally, as falling through such a hole in the Earth, though I doubt they’d send me up there just so I could get a break.
Maybe someday there will be free-fall vacations, where a person can book a flight to be put in orbit for a bit, with no engineered gravity, and just allowed to go to sleep. Maybe one could even climb into a sensory deprivation tank during that time, and the lack of gravitational acceleration would truly allow them not even to experience proprioception related to gravity. It seems like it would beat just floating in a bath of Epsom salts.
Anyway, I guess what I’m saying is that I’d like to get away from it all, and I do mean from it all. I can’t relax my mind, I can’t relax my body, but both of them are just achy and tired all the time. And everything I do is utterly without a point. I mean, from a certain point of view, everything anyone ever does is without a point, but people can at least have their own, internal purpose, the things that give their lives and deeds meaning to them. There’s nothing wrong with that. It’s even rather admirable and heroic and beautiful in its way.
But I don’t have any purpose. I don’t even have a dugong***. I’m not going anywhere, I’m not achieving anything, and I don’t get any satisfaction out of anything that I do. I really am like someone who has kept a Great Ring.
I need just to give up. I don’t know what I’m achieving by any of this, but I’m pretty sure it’s nothing. Not that I’m achieving “nothingness”, mind you. That would, in a sense, be an achievement (ironically). I’m just achieving nothing, by which I mean not achieving anything. I guess that’s probably obvious. Sorry.
I wonder if Michael Jackson’s old doctor makes house calls, if he even is allowed to practice medicine after finishing his remarkably short (shorter than mine) prison term..
I’ll bet he’s not commuting on a train to and from work, living in a single bedroom in the back of an old, cinderblock house, not doing anything for fun, not spending time with his kids or any friends or anything. And, above all, if he has trouble sleeping, we know he has some tricks to take care of that problem.
Oh, well.
*Speaking of palindromes, yesterday we missed the last possible palindromic recording number for the year in doing our verification recordings at work, which was what I had set as a deciding factor regarding my future plans. So, the universe has sent me no positive message. Not that I was expecting it to do so. The universe could hardly care whether I live or die.
**Actually, straight through any two places on the surface of the Earth would give the same basic result, but I’m going to keep things simple.
***Get it?
Well, “happy Monday”* everyone. It’s the start of another glorious work week, for those who are on a typical schedule, anyway. It’s also the first full day of Hanukkah, so for those who celebrate it, Happy Hanukkah. I didn’t light any candles or anything. I don’t even have a menorah, though I got one for the office‒I’m not sure why or what the point was.
I don’t feel festive or celebratory, though it is a nice time of year to be able to send people “presents”. That’s in quotes because I don’t really send much that’s personalized‒just gift cards and such. Personal gifts require one to be close to someone else and to know‒or at least to have a reasonable guess about‒what might please them. I am not in such a situation anymore, really, with anyone. Maybe I never was, I don’t know.
I’m writing this post on my phone, again, because I deliberately did not bring my laptop with me for the weekend. I brought some music notes (meaning written notes, not, for instance, bringing a “b flat” or something of the sort), and a few related things, as well as some heatable soups I had at the office. I didn’t really do much with the music, though I did get out my acoustic guitar for a short bit…long enough to realize that I was quite out of practice, because my left forearm really got tired and sore very quickly.
I don’t have a strap for the acoustic, so part of the fatigue was just from helping to steady the guitar. Anyway, that wasn’t much fun, and singing along is embarrassing because other people in the house can hear me. I turned on my keyboard and diddled around on it briefly, but I screwed up even songs that I know from memory for decades, and even forgot some of the left hand part for a piece I wrote in high school, and which I don’t usually screw up. I think my head just wasn’t in it. I’m bringing at least some of the other music I had at the house back to the office today, just so it’s not sitting there reproaching me in my room.
I’m getting to where I can’t even wait for my alarm to go off if I want to do so. I am now waiting for the first train, and have been for a while. When I woke up early again, I thought about just trying to lie back until my alarm went off anyway, but the thought of not getting up and getting on the first train, since I was awake anyway, made me feel very stressed out.
It’s not healthy, but I’m not sure what to do about it. I’m also not terribly motivated to try to do much. What would be the point? For whom would I be trying to improve or preserve my health? Only for me, and I’m not too bothered, frankly. I do get tired of feeling tired, though.
Oh, my apologies, but I haven’t done any audio recordings yet, whether about sugar, or about Parkinson’s disease, or about cybernetic futures, or anything else. I could just try to do a quick one sometime, maybe today if I have a bit of extra time. I could just start off talking free-form, as a way to get going, to make an audio thingy. I don’t know.
I could do an audio recording about what I think are the pros and cons of audio recordings and podcasts, sort of the counterpart to the blog post I wrote the other day that discussed podcasts versus writing and things of that sort. I don’t know what all of you think about it. I don’t really know what any of you think about it, actually. It would be absurd to imagine that I could know what all of you think about anything, now that I think about it.
I am very tired though. I wish I could rest. I keep hoping that I’ll get really sick or something, so I’ll be forced to take time off and also to sleep‒even I tend to sleep when I’m fighting an illness. It’s a weirdly nice thought.
I’m also a little tense about this week, coming up to Christmas. There’s an office get-together in a restaurant on Friday night, I think, and I often don’t go to these when they are in restaurants and similar. It’s a bit uncomfortable for me, just in general, but also, getting back to the house afterward is an issue. I live farther from the office than anyone else at work, and also more toward the south. But (as usual) they picked a restaurant another 15 or so miles farther north. Also, the trains stop running at 9:11 pm at the latest, and then I wouldn’t get to the house until maybe 10: 30…and I’m working on Saturday.
But the biggest problem is being out and about among humans. I mean, I know the people at the office of course, but I don’t have all that much in common with any of them, though most of them are nice enough. A few are very irritating, but that’s as much my fault as theirs‒things irritate me that often don’t seem to bother other people.
I guess it’s all pretty much on me, as they say. I just don’t find such social situations pleasant; in fact I find them stressful, so unless someone slipped me a Valium I probably would not enjoy it. I should insist that they all do something I like to do for fun, like play role playing games**, or read books together (we could read them out loud, or something along those lines, I suppose), or watch videos or shows or read books about science or philosophy or mathematics or related subjects. They would have to leave their phones elsewhere, and sit in one spot, with no wandering around, no having side conversations, none of that.
Why do I have to submit myself to discomfort to do things other people claim to like to do, but no one does the things I like to do? Answer: There seems to be no valid reason. At best there may be excuses and sophistry. There’s no good reason for me to go significantly out of my way, more so than anyone else in the office, to do something that’s not really fun for me without pharmacological help. I told them before, if they would at least have something down by me, I would readily go, since it would demonstrate occasional willingness to compromise. But, of course, that didn’t happen. Quite the opposite.
Oh, well. “Stranger in a strange land” and all that. I’m not sure what, if anything, I’m getting at. Probably there is no point to my meandering today, if there ever is. I’m too tired to think too hard or too deeply about it. I’ll just end by repeating a Happy Hanukkah for those who celebrate it, and a general Happy Holidays for those celebrating other ones. The Solstice is in a few days, so the nights are long, right now. But I can’t sleep through them.
*I put it in scare quotes because I’m being sarcastic. I don’t know about you, but I don’t know many people who feel happy about Mondays.
**That’s not really serious. I don’t like playing role playing games with strangers, so MMORPGs have never appealed to me. Neither does trying to explain the rules of Gamma World or Dungeons and Dragons to the people in the office. I couldn’t get my ex-wife even really to try doing any role-playing games, so I don’t know what hope I’d have with anyone at the office.
I’m writing this on my phone again today, because I just didn’t feel like carrying my laptop when I left the office yesterday. There wasn’t anything particularly onerous about carrying it, but there wasn’t anything particularly beneficial, either, so I figured “just leave it”. Life is irritating enough already without literally shouldering burdens that don’t seem to offer much benefit.
I think, maybe, if I do ever write any new fiction, I might do it on my phone, as opposed to even just with pen on paper. The great advantage of writing on the phone is that I can readily do so pretty much anywhere with relative ease. Even riding a bus would not be particularly troubling for writing on the phone, as I know from personal experience, whereas writing with a mini-laptop, though doable, is far less convenient, as I also know from personal experience.
One difficulty with fiction on a phone as opposed to the laptop is that there tend to be fewer functions available when using the phone, but that is improving all the time. Already, the Google Docs app has bold and italics and underlining and text color changing available right on the main screen. They are quickly catching up with MS Word, though Word also has a pretty good phone version of their app. Of course, for writing on Google Docs, one does seem to need connectivity, whereas with MS Word on the laptop, one can write and save and upload later.
Writing by hand on paper is limited only by the amount of paper one has, but to “upload” those writings is a rather laborious process. Of course, when I’ve written books by hand, there’s always not only the editing one does when reviewing the previous day’s writing, but also that which one does when typing it in. That can be quite useful, because the change in format tends to make one look at things differently. When editing drafts on Word, I often change the font of the whole file each time through, which makes me look at the writing in subtly different ways. I’m not sure how much actual difference it makes, but I think it at least does something.
Of course, all this may well be moot. I don’t know if I’m going to write any new fiction, ever. I don’t think many people will be too disappointed by that. How many people read books anymore, anyway? Let’s have a show of hands.
As I thought: I don’t see anyone but me holding up a hand. My sister is too far away to see clearly, but I think, or rather I suspect that she’s raising her hand. I know that she reads. But who else does anymore? Maybe I’m fooling myself‒because I was brought up in a home with readers, and then attended an Ivy League university and all that, and married someone I had met there who was also a reader‒but it seems that very few people read actual books anymore.
I was terribly disappointed when Sam Harris, in response to people who think like I do, said that he was not going to be mainly writing books (or even blog posts) much anymore, because his podcast reached more people in 24 hours than one of his books would reach in years.
Of course, my inclination is to respond with the question, “But how many people does your podcast actually, truly reach?” Podcasts are nice and can be interesting, of course. But even if they last for hours at a time, their treatment of any subject can only be superficial. Now, it was thanks to Sam Harris’s podcast that I went out and bought books by people like Eliezer Yudkowsky, Max Tegmark, Paul Bloom, David Deutsch, Yuval Harari, Anne Applebaum, David Frum, Anil Seth, Geoffrey West, and so on. But it was reading those books that was the real educational experience. No podcast, even one by as intelligent and skilled an interlocutor as Sam Harris, can really be much more than a superficial skimming. Sam is better at that kind of thing than anyone else I’ve encountered; he clearly thinks carefully about and deeply understands the subjects he’s addressing. But even his interactions with his “guests” are just the beginning of interest in their work.
I tend to like his solo podcasts more, when he talks about his own thoughts and reflections on given topics, often in response to questions from his listeners. His speech is careful and lucid, and he doesn’t seem to approach subjects frivolously. From him, a solo podcast really is almost like a written article. But I still wish more people would read, though clearly I’m preaching to the choir here.
Even WordPress, in the main page of the blog when I get on the site, has recently promoted the service of podcast production, with the enticing offer that one can increase one’s reach with a podcast. Now, I’ve done some of what are, effectively, podcasts, posted here and on Iterations of Zero and on YouTube. They can be fun to do, and they’re easier on the thumbs than phone-written blog posts, but one cannot do a podcast on a train or a bus…unless one’s podcast is something like “The Sounds of Public Transportation” or similar. That might be intriguing for an hour, I guess, but after that, I think people would tune out.
Actually, I think people probably tune out a lot of the time on even the best podcasts. If you’re listening to a podcast while working out, how much can you really think about the subject under discussion? Not that it’s a waste of time to do it; surely any exposure to interesting ideas is better than none, or to listening to low-quality background music.
Maybe my complaints are just sour grapes born of the fact that my hearing is unilaterally quite poor and accompanied by tinnitus, and that Sam Harris isn’t talking to as many people I find interesting anymore. I have enjoyed it when I’ve done what I call my “audio blogs”. They’re more trouble to edit than a blog post, but they are way easier than a video post (and easier on the poor consumers’ eyes than any video that includes me).
Perhaps I’ll do this: I’ve taken far too long to address the question of sugar that my sister asked me to address, and I haven’t said much about Parkinson’s disease. Also, I received a fairly recent suggestion about cybernetics/robotic parts and the like. Maybe I’ll try to record some relatively brief audio files about those. I’ve learned some new things about audio recording recently, mainly by trial and error after pondering just how close Thom York in particular gets to the mic when he’s singing. I’m always trying to learn more, I’ll say that for me without too much fear of being narcissistic.
In the meantime, I won’t be writing a post tomorrow, unless something very unexpected happens, and of course I won’t be doing one on Sunday. For those who celebrate it, Sunday night is the first evening of Hanukkah. I hope you enjoy it!
Robert Elessar 