It’s Wednesday morning at less than 10 minutes before 5 o’clock‒indeed, as the day begins, at least for me‒and I’m writing the first part of this blog post at the house, at least for a few minutes. It’s slightly chilly out, you see, and I’d rather do the writing here to the extent that it’s practical, rather than sitting at the bus stop. That location has the advantage of having few distractions, and I do rather enjoy writing in such places; I think I enjoy the novelty of being able to write using my phone while just sitting, or even standing, just about anywhere. But novelty tends to wear off before too long‒though I seem to be more resistant to that tendency than many are. In any case, though, on a chilly-ish morning, it doesn’t seem worth it to spend quite so long at the bus stop.
Of course, as is probably obvious, I have not sorted out my recent transportation issues. I probably never will. My brain never was particularly inclined to deal with such matters, and without any local personal supports or prods, there’s nothing to get me over the very high wall of activation energy of that sort of reaction. I’m definitely regressing. And I’m okay with that, because there’s no reason not to regress, and there’s no reason not to deteriorate, and there’s no point in trying to achieve anything.
I’ve done all the achieving stuff in my life, much more so than most, and yet here I am, living alone in a single room in south Florida, about to go wait for a bus to a train to a walk to a job that has nothing to do with what I trained (for a very long time and with a great deal of effort) to do as my career. What I would like is to find some comfortable ditch somewhere, go there, lie down, go to sleep, and just keep sleeping and let the elements take me.
And now, here I am at the bus stop at 5:18, waiting for a bus that’s not scheduled to get here for another 31 minutes. Thence to the train station and so on.
Interestingly, last night I got on a slightly earlier train from work than I had the previous day, and so I decided to walk the four and a half miles back to the house from the train station. As you might guess, it took only about an hour and a half, including time to stop and get something to eat (take-out) on the way. That led me to the realization that I could, in principle, walk to my “usual” train station in the morning and, unless something slowed me down a fair amount, I would be able to get on the very same train that I catch by taking the bus south to the “prior” train station, which is what I’m doing now.
I go south because that’s the quickest/earliest route to catch the earliest potential train available. I just rechecked all the schedules this morning.
Of course, I could get a bike and get to the station faster and catch an earlier train, but that would entail getting a bike, and then either locking it up at the station or lugging it with me. Neither one is terribly appealing, and anyway, a bike is sort of an investment in the future, and I do not wish to invest in the future. I don’t feel that I have a future in which it’s worth investing.
Also, at least if I walk, I’ll be living up to my namesake.
Anyway, right now I’m using the 31-day bus pass I ordered a few months ago in case of just such an emergency. It would seem a minor shame to waste it. You see what I mean about not wanting to make investments in any kind of future, right? They get in the way of choices you might otherwise want to make.
The northbound bus just arrived on the other side of the road. I’ve figured out that I could, if desired, take it north to the 7 line then go to my usual train station, but given the inefficiencies of transferring buses, it would again simply get me on the very same train…and that’s assuming nothing goes wrong. At least walking would be exercise.
I’ve definitely gotten in better shape in recent months, as far as that goes. I walked a total of just under eight miles yesterday, and I only have a mild rawness in a few spots in the soles of my feet, nothing like any true blisters or anything, and though I’m slightly stiff, I’m not truly sore or anything.
We’ll see. The one downside to walking to the train is starting the day off sweaty, but that’s going to be a serious problem only as we get past wintertime, and I hope that’s going to be a non-issue for me. That’s my tentative plan, anyway. I’m certainly too mentally fatigued to want to bother trying to live much longer. It’s boring at best and thoroughly miserable at worst, and most of the time it’s somewhere between the two poles.
There’s no point, there’s no fulfillment, there’s no joy, and there’s no help. I probably wouldn’t be able even to accept help if it were offered. I would freeze up and not know what to do. Any help would probably have to be forced on me, even though I would want help and long for it. It’s weird, but it’s true.
Anyway, in about nine minutes my bus is due, so I’m going to call it quits for today, at least. I’ll do editing when I get on the train. Enjoy the latest rotation of the planet if you can. You might as well.
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