Well, it’s a shitty, shitty day today already. I realize that’s redundant, of course. I could simply say that it’s a day today. They’re all pretty shitty a lot of the time, which is a phrase, at least, that sort of rhymes. Pretty shitty is kind of pretty; one could use it in a ditty.
That’s enough of that nonsense.
I awoke very early, even for me, with worsening pain than usual in my right lower back and hip, radiating down into my foot and calf, with spasm and tenderness in most of the muscles. I’d had a decent pain day the day before—which I guess would be yesterday, duh—partly because I took larger than normal doses of naproxen, in addition to aspirin and acetaminophen, and as always I was trying some behavioral interventions such as those with which I constantly experiment.
But I think I was lured into a false sense of security; probably the relative decrease in pain was as much a random fluctuation as anything else. Also, I realized by the end of the day that I had started to develop edema—accumulation of fluid, that is—in my legs, especially the right one. I suspect that’s partly due to the effects of the high-dose NSAIDs and other meds on my kidneys’ clearance functions. So, last night I held off on the naproxen.
While trying to massage out some of my pain, I noted that my son, to whom I had sent an email a few weeks ago, had replied at last to that apologetic note. But though his email was polite and kind, he basically said that he didn’t want to pursue any relationship with me, at least for the time being, and that he hoped I would respect that. I can do so, of course; if I didn’t have to have a relationship with me, I wouldn’t do it, either. He even said he didn’t hold what had happened, what with my arrest and time in prison, against me, which is nice, and that he had fond memories of me and of his childhood with me. He’s a good person, he works hard and is smart, and all that, like his sister. I want him to be happy, and I would never try to force my presence on him. I’m just not built that way. So, that’s that. Not a great thing for me, but probably the wise choice for him.
I did record the video I mentioned yesterday, and I already started editing it, which is basically just removing long pauses and umms and coughs and the like. If I finish and upload it today, I’ll share it as part of the post for tomorrow—I’m scheduled to work—and you’ll be able to see and watch it if you wish. In case you do, I’ll add now the request that most YouTubers give (which I neglected to do during the recording) which is please, if you’re so inclined, like the video, share it if you’re willing, subscribe if you’re interested, and do please feel free to comment. All those requests apply here as well, though I guess most of my readers are already subscribed, now that I think about it.
And here I am, at the office already and writing this, quite a bit earlier than I usually arrive, because there was no point just lying around in my room and watching random YouTube videos, some about science, some of British comedy panel shows, and occasionally some about autism/Asperger’s.
It’s the last day of September in 2022, and tomorrow begins the month of October—the month of my birthday, and of Halloween (my favorite holiday), though honestly, right now, I couldn’t give a shit about either one. Next week is both Yom Kippur and my father’s birthday (I think they’re both on the same day this year, though I may be off on that).
I wish I could see my father, and my mother, but of course, they have both “passed on” as the euphemism goes. I’m afraid I was probably a very disappointing son for them, not least because I had seemed so promising. I’ve basically let down all the people who are most important to me in life, regularly and consistently. Consistency is good, I guess, as far as it goes. I just wish I had a drug or alcohol problem to hang it all on, so that I could have hope of conquering the problem and receiving minor accolades for the success, a la the famous Christian parable of the prodigal son*, or just succumb to an overdose or something if not.
Unfortunately, my problems are basically internal and inherent. I’m just not very good at humaning, it turns out, if you’ll pardon me for using the au courant contrivance of turning a noun into a seeming gerund of a verb, as in the expression “adulting”. Adulting, by the way, does not get a red squiggly underline in MS Word, but humaning does. I guess that means I really did just make it up.
I’ve been trying to do it all my life, of course, and I have put a lot of effort into it. But my return on investment has gone deeply in the negative, I’m afraid, though that’s only if you discount the fact of my two children. Anything I went through up until they were born was repaid at an unimaginable rate, so I can’t complain about that. But that’s all past, now, and they are alive and well, and they’re doing their thing and living their lives and that’s good, that’s outstanding.
I wish I could have been there to witness more of it. But if wishes were horses, we’d all be waist-deep in horseshit. Which we may be in a metaphorical sense—more than waist-deep, I would say—but obviously that’s not literal.
Anyway, that’s all I’ve got for today, and it’s nearly all I’ve got, period, full stop. I don’t see how I can possibly go on much longer. I hate the world, I hate my life, but most of all, I hate myself. I’ve got to find a way to escape.
Which word makes me think of the Radiohead song, Weird Fishes/Arpeggi. Here, I’ll embed some version of it in “video” form below, so those of you who are interested can listen. It’s a beautiful song.
*Which I’ve always hated as a clear case of injustice and even cruelty.