Hello and good morning. It’s Thursday now, so it’s time for my usual, “official” weekly blog post, as opposed to the extra ones I wrote yesterday and the day before. You can read those at the preceding links, if you missed them because I don’t typically write on Tuesdays and have almost never written for this blog on Wednesdays before.
In case you’re wondering why I wrote posts these last few days, when I don’t normally do so*, it’s because I simply haven’t been up to writing any on The Dark Fairy and the Desperado, nor to writing any Outlaw’s Mind, nor to writing any other fiction. It feels pointless. I also haven’t felt up to playing guitar in the past few weeks; that’s probably even more pointless than writing fiction. I haven’t lost my calluses, but they are no doubt fading. So, I figured I might as well just write some random blog posts, to see what would come out, whether anyone would read them, and maybe even to act as a kind of therapy (though I don’t feel optimistic about this being very useful). If anyone who is reading this now has any opinion one way or the other regarding whether they would like me to keep doing that, please let me know in the comments below**, here on my blog. I will read those, if they are there—probably pretty quickly—and I will do my best to respond when I’m able.
In other news, so to speak, I might have mentioned here before that I did a video of me reading/performing Act I of Macbeth. I’ve been editing that video, since I went to all the trouble to make it, but I don’t know if I’m going to make any more; I find it nauseating to look at my own face, and editing videos involves more or less entirely that. I suppose if there’s a very enthusiastic reaction when I post it, I might be persuaded to do more, but that seems unlikely, and you should not feel pressure to pretend to like it.
I’m not sure even whether I would want it to get a big, positive response and a clamor for me to make more videos. I mean, it would certainly feel good, as far as it would go, but I’m not my own biggest fan, so I might have trouble understanding why anyone would like what I do. I have a hard time understanding even what’s going on in my own head; I really don’t much like it in here.
My housing situation is still up in the air and frustrating, as I’m supposed to be changing rooms and so on, which was not my idea, and in the meantime there’s no settled situation and I don’t feel I can just be in my own space and do my things, however dreary they may be, when I’m at the house***. So, there’s not much rest after work or anything. I don’t suppose I have any reason, let alone any right, to expect things to be in a sane configuration in my external reality, especially when my own internal state is unsane, but it doesn’t help me feel in any way able to correct things out or balance myself.
I’m also still feeling physically rather under the weather. My nausea and lower GI trouble are not as bad as they were over the course of the previous seven days, but I still feel queasy at a steady, nonzero level.
Anyway, sorry to be such a bummer and a downer and any number of other synonyms for the same basic description. I would prefer to feel good about myself and the world; unfortunately, I’m not good at fooling myself regarding such things, and I don’t really respect the urge to fool oneself just to try to feel better. I guess I can see why people don’t tend to like to be around me too much for very long if they can help it. I don’t like being around myself most of the time, but there’s only one alternative to that of which I am aware. Believe me, it has its appeal.
I’ll probably be done with my Macbeth video soon, and when I am, I’m sure I’ll both post it to YouTube and share it here on this page. So, if that’s the sort of thing to which you look forward, then I’m pleased to be able to tell you that you can look forward to it. Apart from that, I don’t know what to say other than to ask you to be good to the people who love you if you can, even if they can sometimes be difficult. And, of course, be good to the people you love, if you’re lucky enough to be able to spend time with them. That’s something you should not take for granted.
*I have, in recent months, been uploading parts of Outlaw’s Mind on Tuesdays. But I posted the last of that (so far) a few weeks ago, and it’ll probably be quite some time before I write more of it, let alone post it. In fact, it may never happen.
**Do NOT comment on Facebook if you have something to say that you actually want me to read anytime in this life. I share posts to Facebook (and to Twitter) to make sure people can know about them who might want to read them, but I’ve been forced to avoid spending time on Facebook since their algorithm changed to—apparently—curating outrage and stupidity, rather than showing the latest of what’s going on with my Facebook friends or the groups I’ve joined. Similarly, though I look at Twitter more often than Facebook, it’s not much of a venue for actual conversation. And I’ll be damned if I’m going to try to use or follow Instagram or TikTok or any other such sewage. And I’ll never forgive Mark Fuckerberg for stealing the term “metaverse”, which I had invented for my fictional worlds decades ago. Bastard.
***I don’t like to say, “When I’m at home”, because I don’t feel like it is home to me. The office feels more like home, frankly, but it’s not home either. Nothing in the State of Florida feels like home, to be honest. It really is just America’s ulcerated, syphilitic penis. I wish I had never moved here.