Well, it’s Friday here, now*, and I’m going to the office, so I figured I might as well write a blog post, since I do nothing else to express myself in any real way anymore.

I’m not sure how well this expresses myself, though‒I feel that either my main point in so many of these posts goes completely missed or misunderstood, or that people get it but don’t really take it seriously, or they are helpless, or both.  Either way I don’t have any right to feel slighted or disappointed, because I don’t have any right to think I deserve any help or response.  I’m just another ant in the afterbirth, and I’m one who‒if he even has some true colony or hill to which he belongs‒is separated from his own kind and puttering around alone.  Solitary ants don’t do very well.

I’m feeling physically slightly better than I did yesterday, so I don’t think I have anything like the flu.  It could be that this illness will be one of those mythical “you get better at first, then you get worse and die” illnesses, if there really is something like that in the world**, but I’m not going to hold my breath.

It would probably be reasonable for me to take the day off today as well, but if I did that, there would be so much work with which to catch up on Monday that it would be just…well, more stressful than I want things to be.

Also, of course, being by myself at the house isn’t really conducive to my mental well-being.  Not that anything apparently is conducive to that.  But at least when I go to the office, I can feel a bit useful and productive.  Otherwise, I just feel like some kind of tick or tapeworm or something, or maybe a fungal rash, stuck somewhere on the inner or outer epithelium of society, absorbing…something, I don’t know.

I don’t think, overall, that I do very much harm to the world.  Not that I don’t want to do harm‒Batman knows I have the urge to do all sorts of terrifically destructive things.  Like Hamlet, “now could I drink hot blood, and do such bitter business as the day would quake to look on.”

That inclination to be a destroyer has been at least a part of me for as long as I can remember, and I’ve always tried hard to keep it under wraps, or to give it safe outlets like RPGs and books and movies (and sometimes video games) and by writing horror stories.  My frontal lobes must bulge like Conan’s biceps, they’ve been working so hard for so long keeping my amygdalae under control or at least suppressed.

Anyway, it doesn’t look like my current illness is the pneumonia for which I was hoping, the one that would finally take all this bullshit off my hands, so to speak.  Who knows, maybe I’ll get a superinfection***.

Finally, some sad news:  the pale, cloudy gray stray cat I’ve been feeding for years now‒ever since my former housemate moved out‒has almost certainly died.  He was an old cat already‒especially for a stray‒and he had a tendency to get in fights from time to time, based on scars and a disfigured ear that he had as long as I knew him.

Anyway, he’s stopped coming around at all.  He used to spend most of his time just hanging around in the patio/“yard” area just outside my door.  I put out some old clothes for him to make a bed of, but he didn’t tend to use it.  Anyway, he’s been gone now for over a week, and I don’t think he’s coming back.

I called him Dorian (because he was gray) but he did show signs of his own rowdy-living past, so I guess any painting of him would still look lovely.

There are other cats who also come around for the food, of course, and even one who is fairly friendly.  But I am not going to put as much effort into feeding the other cats.  I can’t take any in because I’m allergic, so all I can do is put out food and such.  It gets mildly annoying sometimes, and it also attracts raccoons and opossums.  That’s not a terrible thing, but I don’t feel any particular urge to go out of my way to feed “wild” animals.

Anyway, that’s enough of that for now.  I’m off work tomorrow, so no post then.  I hope you have a good weekend.

*Which implicitly  includes the 4 axes of spacetime as its coordinate system.

**I suppose, in a certain sense, HIV was/is that, but only on a very long time scale.

***This does not refer to some amazingly powerful infection but to a secondary infection that occurs in the presence of an already existing infection, like bacterial pneumonia developing in someone with flu or RSV.