Well, yesterday was seriously painful, in the literal sense and also in a more figurative sense, though the figurative pain was at least partially due to the literal pain. I tried various postural and furniture-based changes, altered and/or tried some exercises, all sorts of things. It’s hard to tell whether any of them did any good. It’s also hard to tell—assuming that some or all of them did any good—which one(s) did the good, and how to tease it out. This is, of course, why in a proper, scientific exploration of such things, one would try to change only one variable at a time, holding all the others constant.
However, when one is in soul-grinding pain while still trying to do one’s job, one tends to be willing to split away from pure scientific rigor. At least, I am. And I’m as committed to the notion of scientific rigor as anyone I know.
I slept reasonably well last night—for me, anyway—only waking up at about two in the morning, and being able to get back to sleep for another 35 minutes or so starting at 3:15. That may not sound like much, but for me, it’s comparatively restful.
I also went rather off the script with respect to food yesterday. I decided, since I was feeling so much like crap as to be barely distinguishable, I would just eat what I felt like eating, when I felt like eating it. So, I did. Mind you, there wasn’t all that much available, but I did order a pizza and so on, and even got a Mountain Dew® with it, something I haven’t had in certainly over a year, but probably far longer.
I’m likely to relax my dietary restrictions today as well—I really don’t feel great, but I can’t quite tell if I’m going to have another day like the previous few or several—but then, since I have this weekend off, I’m going to go back, much more strictly, to some food regulation, so to speak. It’s easier when one doesn’t have much to do.
And, yes, I do have tomorrow off, so I won’t be writing a blog post. I guess, technically, Monday is Memorial Day, which I only realized quite recently, but we generally work on Memorial Day at our office. It’s a good day for sales and all that, though we often close early. Of course, the buses and trains will be on a “Sunday” schedule, which is a minor pain, but they are on lower schedules on Saturdays, as well, and I’ve gone in to the office the last two Saturdays without difficulty. Still, I do find myself tempted just to call out on Monday, at least if I don’t feel much better than I’ve been feeling.
Actually, if I don’t feel much better soon—at least back to my ordinary baseline, however unpleasant that both is and makes me—I feel I should call out from everything, permanently. I’ve been back on my historically best-working antidepressant for about four or five weeks now, if my reckoning is correct (it’s not very careful, so I could be off). It doesn’t seem to be making a huge difference, but it’s possible that it’s making some difference. I certainly did, for a few days, pick up my guitar(s) a bit. But then—now—I haven’t played or wanted to play for several days.
Some of that is pain related, and a lot of it is depression related, and it’s also just a feeling of pointlessness about playing. I had thought about working on a cover of Ashes to Ashes, as I’d mentioned here (I think), a sort of sequel to my own cover of A Space Oddity, as Ashes to Ashes was for David Bowie. But at least for right now, I don’t see that happening.
I don’t see much happening. The farthest ahead I can really think is laundry on Sunday—will the washer and dryer be clear for me in the morning or not—and then whether or not I’m still going to be in pain on Monday, Memorial Day. After that, as Paul McCartney sang in You Never Give Me Your Money (and I sang in my “bad cover” thereof), I “see no future…” Though I will pay rent on the first. I may even pay it slightly early, because it takes a load of tension away, since then I don’t have to worry that I’m going to forget. That’s about it. That’s as exciting as life is for me, which is to say, it’s not very.
I don’t know what would help put the wind back in my sails, or if that’s even possible—what might renew my interest in writing fiction, or playing music, or even writing and making songs. I don’t really have anyone that I hang out with, since I only really socialize at work—but, then again, I don’t know that I would want to hang out with much of anyone I could possibly encounter near me. I don’t have much in common with most humans, and that fact seems to become more overpowering all the time.
It would be nice to do some good in the world again, and to have a friend or similar that actually shares interests, but it seems unlikely. Most people I’ve encountered—or so it feels—seem to want to take advantage, or else find me too unpleasant to stay friends with (I can’t blame them), or have their own stuff going on. And, frankly, I’m rotten at socializing anyway, even with people I like.
Even on-line socializing, which I briefly did a bit of in the past, has become tense and unpleasant for me most of the time. Leaving comments—whether on a video or a blog, or whatever, let alone replying to a tweet or a Facebook post—fills me almost immediately with a good deal of tension and anxiety. I fear that someone will engage with my comment and I’ll have to get involved in some kind of discussion or argument, or else willfully ignore it, which will feel rude.
I know, it’s a trap of my own making, or at least of my own nature. I certainly can’t blame the other people. But that doesn’t make it cease to be a trap.
Ah, well, it really doesn’t matter. When I’m in a lot of pain, I’m not interested in socializing, anyway.
And now, I need to start heading for the bus stop, so I’m going to wrap this up for today. I won’t write a post tomorrow, and if I don’t write one Monday, it will mean either that I decided (or needed) to take that day off, or something else has prevented me from writing. I guess, if I don’t write any more posts at all after that, you’ll be able to infer at least that something relatively drastic happened.
But if I return no later than Tuesday…well, you’ll know that I’ve returned, at least for the moment. I’m not sure which outcome I prefer.
Anyway, have a good holiday weekend, those of you who live in the US and are celebrating.