Well, in case it wasn’t obvious, I did not write a blog post yesterday, as I suspected might happen—or not happen, I guess. I toyed with the idea of just quickly getting onto my blog account and writing a note that I was off from work and trying to rest, but even that took too much mental and physical energy. So, sorry if anyone was worried. I did mention on Wednesday that I thought I might take the next day off, so hopefully no one was too concerned.
I’m still pretty tired overall, but nothing like I was on Wednesday. By the afternoon, I was really feeling confused and slow and still having those annoying little out-of-the-corner-of-my-eye flashes of movement that I thought were cockroaches (if they looked like they were nearby) or cats (if they looked more distant). It’s a strange pairing, because I like cats, but have at best a mixed attitude toward roaches. Oh, well, who knoweth the mysteries of the mind, with its vigour?
Anyway, I got back to the house Wednesday night—not early, but not later than the previous few days, at least—and I took two Benadryl and some Aleve and Tylenol (because it’s easier to rest when one’s pain is at least blunted) and I soon fell asleep, by 11 or so, I think. I only woke up a few times during the night, but was able to get back to sleep because of the lingering effects of the Diphenhydramine, and only really woke up at about 5:30 in the morning, which is quite late for me. But I also lazed about and dozed when I could during the day, so I did make up for some of my deficit, though as experts will tell us, one doesn’t truly make up for lost sleep. One just works one’s way asymptotically toward the baseline one was “supposed” to maintain.
One also cannot build up a surplus of sleep, more’s the pity.
It was a fairly uneventful day, which shouldn’t be too surprising. At one point I had the thought that I would try riding the bike to the train station today (though yesterday, today was tomorrow), but at a slow pace, to see if that helped avoid triggering a pain exacerbation. I went out to look at the bike and saw that the front tire had gone surprisingly flat in the week or so since I’d ridden it last. Still, I wasn’t worried. I had my handy-dandy USB charged tire air pump, which works like a dream.
I got the pump out and attached it, and it seemed to be a bit slow inflating—then, I heard a weird little noise, and it stopped inflating, and the pressure readout dropped, and soon it became clear that there was a rupture somewhere.
I don’t know how it ruptured from sitting in the back of the house for roughly a week and then being inflated after losing air. It’s very annoying.
Anyway, I quickly looked into how one repairs flats on bike tires and so on, and decided to order some same-day deliveries of replacement inner tubes (more than one because, if I was going to bother doing it, I might as well keep some spares), and a tire lever thingy, or whatever those are called, and also some stuff called “slime” that works a bit like “Fix a flat” I guess. But by the time it arrived, I was by no means inclined to try to use it. I’m still tired, and though I rested, my motivation, my will to live, and most importantly, my capacity to deal with the little, artificial tasks of life really are still all but nonexistent.
Oh, and another thing happened that was interesting. I had ordered some food for delivery, and was making my way out front to wait for it, and found that my scooter—which had been moved without permission by the others who live in the house when they had what I guess was a Mother’s Day party on Sunday night, which was rather loud—which had clearly not been on the best level spot, had fallen over on its right side. I’m not sure how it happened, but again, it had been moved to a less stable spot than I had put it in. Now this is not some cute little scooter, easily returned to an upright position. This is a 650 cc Honda Silverwing, and is essentially a motorcycle without a manual transmission. I haven’t ridden it for a while because its tires have a slow leak and it’s a pain to have to inflate them and worse to replace them, and the battery has died, but anyway, it’s what it is.
I wasn’t even sure if I could lift it back up, but I tried, and I was able to do it—probably unwisely, given my failed back surgery syndrome—and then jockeyed it back into a better spot with some difficulty, as the front tire is low. Hopefully, no one touches it again. As it is, some of the paneling is cracked from the fall.
It’s little things like this that just wear me down steadily and surely. There’s no upside to having to deal with them (obviously) and there’s no counter-balancing bunch of relatively good things in life to make up for them, or to re-energize me after I’ve gotten stressed out by dealing with them. I know they aren’t major issues or crises, but that’s even part of the problem. One feels motivated and even energized to deal with major issues when they happen—or else, one doesn’t feel too chagrined if one is overpowered by major issues and has to seek help.
But dealing with the minutiae of daily life is just mind-numbingly irritating, and there is no compensatory satisfaction to doing them, no reward other than just being able to get past them—which is preferable to the alternative, or else I wouldn’t bother, but is not even transiently satisfying. It’s just the slight and temporary relief of a kind of psychological pain, which will inevitably return.
I wish meditation didn’t give me so much trouble with my depression, which it seems to do. It would be nice to get past the sense of self and the dukkha of life. Maybe I should try fasting or something, if I can work my way up to doing that. Trouble is, as I think I’ve pointed out before, food is at least a slightly reliable source of minor, temporary pleasure. But I’m overweight, anyway, so food mightn’t be a bad thing to eschew (get it?) for a while.
Maybe I’ll do that, if I can. I’ll let you know. Meanwhile, it’s about time to leave and head for the bus. Thanks for letting me indulge in venting my thoughts here, those of you who read them. It’s the only outlet I have, so unfortunately, it bears the brunt of a lot of tedious dreariness. I try at least to be mildly funny when I can.
I’m not sure if I succeed at that very often. But it’s one of those things about life; you have to laugh when you can, or else you’ll just cry.