I’m starting this post at the house, seated on my “piano bench”, as I did a week or two ago when it was quite cold out. It’s not cold today; it’s already over 70 degrees (F). I just want to minimize the potential time in which I have to worry about the “shouty” lady, who really hasn’t been shouting so far this week, but has been laying around at my “usual” bus stop.
She was still there when I got back to the bus stop last night at about quarter after eight. So she had been there for at least 15 hours yesterday, unless she wandered off during the day, which is certainly possible.
Anyway, that’s not very important, I just feel too socially awkward to want to have to worry about being approached by anyone, let alone someone to whom I can offer no consolation for what are surely myriad troubles.
I want to keep this post relatively short, because the last few have been absurdly long, especially considering the fact that I’ve been writing solely on my phone. I think it can’t be encouraging for casual readers if I write thirteen to sixteen hundred words every day. It would be one thing if there were significant substance to the posts, a deep analysis of some topic, but they’re just random, meandering blather. That’s best in relatively small doses.
It’s only Wednesday, but the week already feels so very long. I’m mentally exhausted, though physically I’m getting slightly more fit, walking 4 or so miles a day, sometimes more. But even physically, yesterday I was in exceptional pain, even for me, all up and down my left side, focused on my lower back and hip but down to the ankle and up to the arm.
My whole left arm felt not just painful but numb, and was even vasoconstricted. My left hand was pale and cool to the touch compared to my right hand, confirmed by a coworker. I don’t know what I did to trigger it, but it was apparently some form of what they used to call causalgia, if memory serves. I do have an old soft-tissue injury to my left shoulder that never completely healed.
I don’t think I can do this‒meaning, anything‒much longer. I’m coming up on the last chance to get a “message from the universe” in the form of the most strikingly palindromic possible recording number yet, at the office. I’ve missed all the others‒as expected. Palindromic eight digit numbers are a rarity, especially when the first three to four digits vary only slowly.
Of course, I don’t really think the universe is capable of, let alone inclined to, deliberately send me a message in the form of a recording number. This is really more like a game of chance I’m playing. It’s not quite a variation on Russian Roulette, but it’s not really that far off, either.
I don’t want to let anyone at work know the nature of my game*, lest they try to fake an outcome for me. I don’t think they would succeed, but they might try. Of course, if I got even a hint that they were doing such a thing, I would just call the “game” off and consider it lost‒or won, depending on your point of view.
It’s sort of like how most people would say I won the game of Russian Roulette I played more than 10 years ago, but I sometimes think of it as having lost. Very little net good has happened to me in the intervening years. I won’t say there weren’t good things, but it’s been an unquestionably net negative, and the slope of that curve doesn’t look to be changing, certainly not in the positive direction.
Oh, by the way, those last two paragraphs were written at the bus stop. The shouty lady is nowhere to be seen (or heard), and while I’m slightly concerned and hope she’s okay, I’m glad not to have to stand for twenty minutes while waiting. My back and hips already hurt this morning, but it’s primarily on the right side today. It’s good to keep some variety, to keep one guessing. We wouldn’t want the pain to be boring, would we**?
Anyway, it’s also drizzling a bit this morning, so it’s good to be able to get under the bus shelter. The water doesn’t bother me, but it’s hard to write when you have to keep clearing raindrops off the phone.
Okay, it’s become more than a drizzle, now, and the bus will be here in about five minutes. I guess I’ll call that good for today. It’s not good; very little has been good for me in a while. But we’ll call it that.
Rest would be good. Sleep would be good, if it were restorative, or at least entailed true oblivion. I want to go to sleep.
*They already know my name, so there’s no need for them to guess it.
**That’s a slight joke. Sometimes one hears of pain described as “boring”, meaning it feels as if something is drilling into or through some body part. There are so many delightful and multifarious types of pain in this world, aren’t there? It’s enough to make you want to throw up.