[To avoid confusion, at the bottom of this post I’ll embed the official video of the song from which this title comes, and then an old video of me doing a version of it. Enjoy.]
Yesterday afternoon, I wrote a pre-made blog post, in case I was too tired this morning to write one, or too enervated, or too unmotivated, or however you want to characterize such a state. As it turns out, this is not the blog post I pre-wrote. This is me writing on Wednesday morning, but I may share that other blog post later today.
If I do, you’ll see that it was written as though it might be my last blog post, because—rather obviously—I felt that I was approaching the end of my endurance. Though I am, in fact, writing this post this morning, that doesn’t change the fact that I still feel that I’m very near the end of my strength; it’s just that I’m a creature of habit, and I’m very stubborn, so I tend to keep on going longer than I suspected that I would be able to do so.
Or maybe it’s just that I feel too rude to change things suddenly in ways that affect other people. For instance, today is the day that I do payroll at the office, so it would be very unkind of me not to go in, since no one else does the payroll, and it has to be done to make sure people get their paychecks. After today, though, there’s another week before payroll needs to be done again. That would be time enough for the boss to figure out some other alternatives.
Heck, knowing him, he is probably already prepared for other alternatives. He’s very sharp. I’m probably flattering myself to think that I’m actually important and not immediately replaceable. The world will little note, nor long remember the fact that I was ever anywhere at all.
Just as a bit of trivia, and to give evidence to support the previous sentence, my daily life consists of getting up in the morning, showering, getting dressed, coming to the train station, writing my blog posts, and riding the train in to Deerfield Beach. Then, on the way from the train station to the office, I stop in the Chevron convenience store and get some sandwiches and chips and something to drink, which will be my nutrition for the day. Then I go to the office and do what I do there (including actually posting my blog posts before the start of business). Then, after everyone else leaves, I lock up the office and set the alarm, walk back to the train station, ride the train back to Hollywood (Florida), go to the house, go to my room, read a few online manga, watch some YouTube videos and go to sleep and try to stay asleep, which I fail at pretty much always, until the cycle repeats.
On days when I’m off, I will go out to 7-11 or similar and get some food to eat for the day. On Sundays I also do my laundry.
That’s it. There are obviously many little details involved, but that’s it. I don’t have any friends. I don’t have any family nearby, not anyone who sees me or talks to me, anyway, though I talk to my sister on the phone when I feel non-disgusting enough to inflict myself on her. I don’t have anywhere that I go for fun, because the sorts of places that people tend to go for fun are not places I find enjoyable unless I’m with someone I care about who enjoys going to such places. If it’s me, crowds and noise and all that are stressful and intrusive, almost painful. Anyway, going to most of the sorts of places I used to go—even malls or grocery stores or what have you—makes me feel sad, and even more alone and lonely than I do when I don’t go to them.
To a very good first approximation, I don’t drink—the bottles of liquor I bought for New Years 2020-2021 are still mostly full, almost two years later. I don’t do drugs—the time I tried to see if marijuana helped my pain just left me vomiting for hours after the attempt—though I have in the past been on prescription pain meds that ultimately caused me as many problems as they solved, and I weaned myself off them. Yuck. I occasionally smoke cigars, but I don’t really like them and they make me feel kind of crummy…it’s mostly just what I call “self-harm without the danger of being Baker Acted”, but it’s too slow and unreliable a form of self-destruction to be satisfying.
I don’t write fiction anymore, and I don’t play music. I barely even listen to music anymore. My life is nothing and it is nothingness.
On top of all that, my new housemates have dogs—which is nice, I like dogs, actually—but last night one of them was agitated about something and kept barking on and off throughout the night. I got the impression that its owner just gave up on trying to control it. Most people don’t train or govern their pets very well, as far as I can see. So that made my sleep even worse than usual.
I know, I’m whining and complaining and it’s tiresome. Have we met before? Allow me to introduce myself: I’m Robert Elessar, and I’m tiresome. Trust me, no one else is more tired of me than I am.
I think that’s nearly it, at least for right now. If I decide to share it this afternoon, I guess you’ll see the blog post I wrote yesterday. I may actually just preload it to post tomorrow, instead of my usual Thursday blog post. I don’t know. I haven’t decided. I don’t like to deal in threats or promises, because I don’t know what I’ll feel like at any given point in the future. At best I can make predictions, but as some famous scientist said, prediction is tricky business, especially about the future.
Anyway, that’s that. I’m done, at least for today. I wish I were just done entirely, so I could rest. They say there shall be no rest for the wicked, and I guess I must be particularly wicked. Or maybe that’s just my own bias. Whatever. Never mind.