Well, I’m getting ready to go to the office this morning. It’s payroll day, which means I’ll be more stressed out than even I usually am. It’s really gotten to be more complex over time, with different people being paid in different ways and rates and with different incentives, and people in our new, other office. Oh, and now we’re getting yet a new “product” to sell which is going to require more differentiation and so on. Huzzah!
I don’t know why I keep writing this blog. I feel like I’m just continually rehashing the same things, saying the same things over and over again, not even really expecting different results.
Incidentally, there’s no actual (reliable) record anywhere of Einstein saying words to the effect of “the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results”. Frankly, it doesn’t even seem like anything he would have said. It doesn’t make sense, either‒it flies completely in the face of the idea that someone can improve with practice at something, or that in some circumstances retrying something over and over again occasionally brings about different outcomes.
Einstein apparently did say that there are two things that are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and he wasn’t sure about the universe. Of course, as a Jewish scientist, he left Germany in the 30s (I think) because he saw the products of the breed of human stupidity that arose there at around that time, so you can understand why he might take a dim view of human intelligence. I wonder what he would think of us now.
Anyway, I’m still taking my “antidepressant” and also trying to adjust things better to control my chronic* pain. I can feel the immediate effects of the St. John’s Wort, which I always do when I take it. Dry mouth, slightly less reactive, and feeling a bit stiffer (metaphorically) and more socially withdrawn in the morning for a while after I take it. It’s not making a difference for my sleep, that’s for sure. But, again, maybe it will at least give me enough of a boost finally to act on my desire just to stop existing.
It would be nice if it at least gave me more will or drive to exercise, which it has done in the past, though not every time I’ve taken it. At least it doesn’t tend to give me the asthenia that I would get with SSRIs, and it doesn’t give me the rampant and intolerable tension and anxiety that Wellbutrin and Effexor gave me. It’s closest in character to the old tricyclics‒amitriptyline and nortriptyline‒but not as groggifiying. Anyway, hopefully it does something to help me make some changes.
I think of depression as being at least partly a disease of gumption, a disease of the will, where the sense of motivation is impaired. Or perhaps it’s more of a psychological autoimmune disorder, where the mind turns upon itself. That’s an oversimplification, and there are certainly more aspects to it than that, but that is at least part of it.
Of course, there may be other factors at play in my brain. I’ve encountered a place online that does reasonably priced autism assessments (I found it through Threads) and I may avail myself of that. It is slightly worrying, of course. It sometimes feels nearly certain that, if assessed, I would be told, “No, you don’t have ASD or anything related to it. You’re just fucking out there like Vega, you don’t even count as human.” Which would come as no real surprise, but it would be somewhat disheartening. How does one treat, or at least accommodate, someone who is an alien?
I don’t know what I will do with any knowledge I gain through that process, if I do it. Maybe I won’t do anything. Maybe I’ll just flush it all away with every other bit of information I’ve ever taken in. I guess that’s what’s going to happen one way or another, anyway, right?
Whatever. I hope you all have a good day, or have good days, if that should be plural to match the subject. I suppose I’ll probably write another blog post tomorrow. I’m sure you can hardly wait.
In the meantime, here’s a little “video” (really more of a slide show) that I threw together this morning, to the tune of Another Brick in the Wall Part 3.
*I originally made a typo there and wrote “chromic” pain, which sounds like something from which a synesthete might suffer‒a chronic discomfort that they experience with all the colors of the rainbow.
Robert Elessar 
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Well, Robert, it may fall flat right now or even be mildly irritating, but I do hope you feel better once the Saint John’s Wort builds up a bit (I spelled it “Wart” the first time and should have left it just for laughs). I’ve never tried that stuff. I was on Prozac when it first came out and it helped tremendously for about 10 years. After that it was a continuous cycle of upping the dose every autumn until I decided enough was enough and quit it altogether. I do hope you feel better, though. Those pictures went by too fast to have much of a look. There is one that stood out even though I don’t know any of the people — the little boy with the strawberry blonde hair. Is that you or your son, if you don’t mind my asking. Take it easy, man.
That would have been my son. There are no pictures of the young me, or at least none that I have. When I was little, my hair was so blond it was almost white.
I like Saint John’s Wart. In fact, it made me think of a related play on words, discussing a portrait of Saint John, “worts and all”, like the famous Oliver Cromwell portrait.
I don’t know how well the SJW (Saint John’s Wort, not Social Justice Warrior) is working so far–it’s certainly not yet made me feel any better. But I guess we’ll see.
He’s cute! He looks like a little elf.