Here we go again.  Or, at least, here I go again.  I’m sitting at the train station, waiting for the train to arrive.  This time I’m not getting the first train of the day, but that’s not because I woke up any later today.  Actually, I woke up far earlier, when my housemate(s) arrived home late or something along those lines and had a fairly prominent conversation in the kitchen, which is right outside the door to my area of the house, at around one in the morning.

I have not been back to sleep since then.  I tried to go back to sleep.  I would lie on my side and relax and close my eyes…and then I would start awake, convinced I must have overslept, only to find that not even five minutes had passed.  After a while, I gave up trying to get back to sleep.

I considered staying “home” today, but it’s not any more pleasant to be there than at work.  If anything, right now, it’s less pleasant.  There are ants (or maybe termites) swarming outside near my door, thanks to the wet and hot weather, and I had to spray around my door to keep them out.  And in the humidity, my wall A/C unit is leaking condensation onto the floor, and I’m sure it’s generating mildew and similar, though I’m spraying the area with Lysol®.  If there were any kind of normal winter time coming, I wouldn’t even need to use the air conditioning, but there’s not exactly a lot of ventilation in my area otherwise.

I can’t go on like this much longer.  I don’t really know that I can go on at all much longer.  I hate the world, and I hate myself even more.  I’m really a horrible person, and a horribly unpleasant person, and I’m pretty sure I’m going to be alone for the rest of my life, so it’s only a matter of figuring out how long that’s going to be.  I wish I had died on my birthday, like I was considering, or even earlier, sometime on or shortly after September 22^nd.  I hate it here.  I hate that I feel the urge, the pressure, the compulsion to keep trying.  It’s so stupid.  I’m so stupid.

I don’t have anything insightful or clever or interesting to say, today.  At least I don’t think I do.  I’m not trying to persuade anyone that I’m right about the stupidity and futility of at least my life or life in general.  I would hate to convince someone of that.  I would like it if all the people who read this happen to love and enjoy their lives, and look forward to each day with eagerness.  I wouldn’t mind if everyone in the world were happy, even if I were the only one excluded, because at least there would be significant compensation in the form of that global happiness.

Of course, wishes aren’t much use—or any use, really—if there’s no way to bring them about.  But I just want to make it clear that my hatred of the world doesn’t make me want to make everyone, or the world, miserable, or to make any other people suffer.  I just don’t want to be buffeted by it any longer.  I don’t want to be in what feels like a sewer, surrounded by waste matter that seems largely to be of my own making.

I just need to find a way to screw my courage to the sticking point, to quote Lady Macbeth (admittedly not the greatest of role models, but given that she was written by Shakespeare, she does have some good lines).  I need to find a way to make myself give up completely, so that I can get rid of my resistance.

My train is due to board in “approximately 10 minutes” (on track 2), so I’ll wrap this post up relatively quickly.  It’s going to be a short one, I guess, but that’s okay.  It’s not like I have anything new or interesting or complicated to write or otherwise to get across to everyone.  I think my sentiments for the day are pretty clear and well-defined, and they don’t exactly require a great deal of explanation.

I’m sick of all this, but most particularly, I’m sick of myself.  I can’t stand that guy.  He’s so annoying, so much of the time.  I can’t even get away from him by going to sleep, because almost always, I wake up feeling more tired and worse than I did when I went to sleep, and always far too soon.

I’ll say it again, though:  hopefully you all feel better.  Please feel better.  I need to think that someone out there feels better than I do right now.  So please, have a good day.