Well, my socket wrench set was delivered yesterday—actually, it was delivered less than an hour after I left the house, apparently, while I was still en route to the train station—and when I got back to the house last night, after my eleven plus total miles of walking*, I opened up that set, found the right wrench head, and tightened the seat down tighter than Cameron Frye from Ferris Beuller’s Day Off**.
So, this morning, as I rode to the train, I felt not a budge in the seat, which is nice, because it’s not as though I’m the too-skinny kid I was in high school and college anymore. I’m nearly two of him. Hopefully all this walking and biking will make one (or even both, I’m not picky) of those people disappear.
It’s somewhat amusing just how tight and thick and heavy one’s legs feel at the end of a mere five mile bike ride when one has not been biking regularly for a long time. Also, now that it’s the next day, I can feel that my walking yesterday caused my left knee to play up a bit, which is a relatively new irritation that I know is caused by walking because it started to come out well before I got the bike, and was not noticeably aggravated earlier this week when I rode.
I suspect the left knee problem is at least partly related to the right ankle problem I have, which no doubt leads me to walk slightly asymmetrically, favoring the right leg a bit at the expense of the left knee. These things would probably all be much less difficult if I were as skinny now as I was in high school or college; the extra weight is clearly not going to help the load-bearing joints. At least biking, being low-impact, will mitigate that somewhat. Hopefully.
It does, of course, trigger lots of little, new pains, which are irritating surprises layered on top of the old, two-decades-long pain that comes attached to me every day. It would be so nice and lovely if I were able to find a way not to have that pain, or at least to have less of it. It would also be nice if I were able to get rid of some of the weight that is surely part of triggering my new pains.
I have definitely lost some weight—I know this because I’ve had to go up two belt holes just since this year began. I nonetheless still feel like a tremendous, hulking burden, one that I am forced to drag around. Believe me, I am not worth the effort. I’m not something I’d feel the need to bring with me on vacation if I could only choose to leave me behind. I certainly wouldn’t want to pay to check myself as luggage. I’d rather take the attitude of, “Well, if I need it when I get where I’m going, I can always pick one up locally”.
Wouldn’t it be nice if we could do that? Maybe it’s just me.
What I really need to do is find a way to stop using eating as a form of “stimming”, which is really kind of the way I approach it. I almost never actually feel hungry, and when I do, ironically, it doesn’t seem to drive me to want to eat. It’s actually just kind of an odd, curious sensation in my stomach and abdomen and less so in the rest of my body. It’s not entirely unpleasant; it’s a sharp, alert kind of feeling, and I rather like it. Whereas, when I eat, I almost never feel truly gratified or even sated afterwards. I usually just feel groggy—less sharp, less alert, more fatigued, and even sleepy***.
Ah, well. There’s only so much I can do all at once to change the nature of reality itself.
In the meantime, at least tomorrow morning, I’ll be able to get up and leave a bit later than I have lately and yet still should be able to get on the first weekend train of the day rather than the second, and get to the office in time to relax a bit before everyone else arrives. Maybe I’ll even play some guitar.
Ha ha ha ha haaa! That was a good one. I’m kidding, of course. I doubt that I’ll ever play guitar again for the rest of my life, which will hopefully not be very long, anyway. It’s not like I have anything left of importance to do. I’d like to lose some weight before I die, just so that the last memory of me won’t be of quite the monstrous state in which I currently find myself. I’m working on it, and I’m making progress, so wish me luck.
In the meantime, I’ll continue to write these blog posts, including one for tomorrow, since I am working tomorrow. That is not an April Fool’s joke. I hate April Fool’s Day. It’s such an irritating “holiday”. I hate pranks in general, and I despise people who play them, or at least I despise the behavior of people who play them. I would gladly disintegrate any person who carries out a mean-spirited prank on such days, and would consider myself to have done right.
Oh, well. Maybe more on that tomorrow.
*Which did not give me any new blisters, and which only caused modest aching in my feet, but which had collectively taken more than three hours of my day.
**This is the character about whom Ferris said, “If you shoved a lump of coal up his ass, in two weeks you’d have a diamond.”
***This can help me fall asleep at night, but it doesn’t last long, unfortunately, and it contributes to reflux, so I don’t recommend it in general.