I hope no one was worried about me on Saturday when I didn’t write a blog post.
I doubt anyone was. Why would they be? Even if something catastrophic had happened to me, it would probably have been for the best, anyway. If anything, someone might’ve had a positive thought, rather like Ben Affleck’s character in Good Will Hunting, when he says that he hopes (or dreams) that one day he’ll come to pick Will up and Will simply won’t be there. He’ll have gone, as it were, to a better place.
Regrettably, I cannot give you all any such good news as, for instance, that I’ve gone anywhere better, worse, or nonexistent. We simply didn’t open the office on Saturday, because there were quite a few people who were out sick during the week, and even among those who were not, perhaps only one had planned to come in. Since that would leave just me and one other person in the office, and since I commute from North Miami to Deerfield Beach, with no car or anything, the boss just said, let’s not bother opening the office.
Since we hadn’t bothered opening the office, I didn’t write a blog post, because I wasn’t commuting. I considered getting on the site on Saturday morning and leaving a brief message about it all, to prevent anyone worrying, but it occurred to me that this was silly and stupid. No one out there in world with any sense actually cares about me—other than family, of course, and they can always text me if they’re concerned.
People in general are right not to care. I’m thoroughly worthless, I’m a real downer, and I bring little to no good to anyone in the world, myself included. I’m extremely unhappy and I’m very tired; lolling about in my room over the weekend is no more pleasant or restful than going to the office. I’m also always as tense and uptight as a feral cat, but less charming, less trusting, and less able to express myself clearly. Except in writing, of course—I’m better at writing than feral cats are, unless they’ve been brilliantly hiding some skills of which I’ve never heard the slightest inkling.
Then again, my writing doesn’t seem to get my feelings across very well at all, though I try. But either there aren’t enough people reading it for anyone who’s able to do anything to get the point, or people understand me but don’t really care or simply have too much on their own plates—which is fair enough, of course.
I watched a video last night about “Cassandra Syndrome” which I’d never really heard of before, though I was aware of the name. No, it’s not the daughter of the villain from The Incredibles. Apparently Cassandra was some Greek mythological figure cursed always to tell the truth but never to be believed. The syndrome is apparently associated with people trying to convey their feelings or thoughts or emotions and thinking that they’ve done so, and yet finding that others don’t get the message.
It’s like that line from Brain Damage that I always quote: “And when the cloudbursts thunder in your ear; you shout and no one seems to hear.”
That line always hits me quite hard, as I feel it expresses exactly my usual experience. And then, of course, it’s followed by “And when the band you’re in starts playing different tunes, I’ll see you on the dark side of the moon.”
Well, the “band” I was in has been playing different tunes for more than fifteen years, now. I’m no longer with them, of course. My involuntary solo career has been a huge flop. As for the preceding line, well, I feel like I’ve been shouting and shouting and shouting every day, all day for what feels like an eternity. I’ve been screaming at the top of my lungs, but clearly, no one seems to hear—or they just don’t seem to get what I’m saying. It’s as though there’s some weird auto-correct on all my attempted communications, making everything I try to say come across differently from the way I’m trying to make it come across.
I guess that’s the way these things work sometimes, at least according to the video I shared. I’m speaking a different language from everyone else or something, and it’s just terribly frustrating. I’m tired of it. I don’t really want to do it anymore. It is, apparently, pointless.
I stopped writing fiction, and I stopped playing (let alone writing) music. I probably should just stop bothering to do these blog posts, too. I’m just shouting upwind into a gale, or spitting into the ocean, or throwing around metaphors that no one seems to grasp. I’m apparently not capable of being more explicit than I’m being, probably because I hate myself and don’t want myself to succeed. Something like that, I don’t know. I don’t really have any clue.
If I don’t write anything tomorrow, you’ll have at least a clue about the probable reason. If I do, well, you’ll know that, if you look. If you don’t look, then it will all be Schrodinger’s Cat to you, anyway, only it’ll be a cat in an experimental box you’ve never even heard of. It’ll be a feral cat—paranoid and tense and scraggly and unlovable, whether alive or dead.
Also, it’s really heavy-handed with the metaphors.
Never stop fighting/yelling . Fight until your a bloody mess then tell the world to go fuck themselves. You have it in you so don’t give up. You are needed
I appreciate the encouragement.
I hope you are here tomorrow and the day after that and the day after that. Unlike the characters in Good Will Hunting (stellar movie, by the way), this is your life. You are a real person and those who love you would be devastated to see you suddenly weren’t there. Please hang in there. Keep yelling. Keep writing. Keep existing. YOU MATTER xx
I’m not even sure I’m here.
I hope you are x
You have my attention