[Note: At the bottom of the post, below the footnotes, I’m including a thought that occurred to me between the initial writing and the final editing of this post, but which doesn’t directly relate to the post itself.]
Well, it’s Saturday morning (the 17th of September, a nice prime number), and I’m waiting at the station for the first train of the day, because I woke up before my alarm again and there was no point trying to go back to sleep. I’m working again today, and I may be working again next Saturday as well, since I don’t know how long the coworker with whom I split Saturdays will be out with his recovery from surgery.
I can’t begrudge him the time off—surgery is no small thing, even if it was “minimally invasive”, to say nothing of the problem that required surgery. I’ve had major surgery myself, open-heart when I was 18 and back surgery when I was about 35 (hopefully I won’t have another when I’m 53!). I don’t remember how long my own laminectomy and fusion left me hobbled, because at the time I was already on temporary disability because of the injury, but it wasn’t a minor inconvenience.
That whole process contributed to the eventual catastrophic collapse of the life I had built, partly because I technically have “failed back surgery syndrome”, which means that, despite my back surgery, I still have chronic pain. I think the term “failed” is a bit uncharitable, though, because my pain was reduced, it just didn’t come close to going away completely. It’s there every day, and it has been for about 20 years (for those of you doing the math, I had the pain a good three years or so before I had the surgery, and I am currently 52).
Speaking of the collapse of my previous life, and the loss of so many things that were important to me, I sent an email to my son not long ago—I might have mentioned this previously—to the email address he had used the thank me for his last birthday present. It was basically a long apology for all the things I screwed up with him (and his sister), and a reminder that I love him and always will, and of course that I miss him. I didn’t know if he even regularly checks that email, so I asked his sister to let him know I had sent it. He apparently does, and he’s seen it.
I don’t know what he thinks about it, since he hasn’t replied so far. I don’t know if he ever will. That’s up to him, which I guess is obvious. What I mean is, that it wouldn’t be fair or right for me to expect, let alone demand, a reply from him. I at least know that, if he wants to know what his father has been thinking and doing for the last quite some time, he can always come to this blog and read it. I don’t know what he would think if he did that, but it is whatever it is.
I’ve always felt—at least, for as long as I’ve seriously thought about such things—that it’s important to remember that children don’t belong to their parents. Parents belong to their children. This is so for good, sound, biological reasons, and also for deep moral ones. A parent can make the decision to have a child—or well, two parents can make that decision. The child literally has no say in the matter, for the child does not even exist when the decision is made. They cannot be held morally accountable for anything to do with that decision, and they cannot incur any obligation because of it. Of course, good parenting and good socialization can mean that a child will be naturally grateful to the parents, and that’s nice when it happens, but it isn’t required. It cannot, ethically, be required. It cannot, in good conscience, be demanded.
That reminds me tangentially of the concept creep problem our culture has with the terms, “respect” and with “self-esteem”. People cannot demand respect. Respect is in the eye of the beholder. Courtesy is presumptively expectable, since simple politeness is the lubricant of civilization, but respect can only be freely given if it is to be of any value at all.
Likewise with self-esteem. It doesn’t make sense to encourage people to have just a general, free-form, positive self-image based on nothing; that leads to narcissism and all the problems it entails. One should not feel “proud” merely of the fact that one exists.
A student who cannot seem to master math well should not necessarily feel proud of his or her math skills, though if that student has worked hard to learn as much as they can learn, they should feel proud about that! And that person almost certainly has other strengths and abilities that they can feel good about, and of which they should feel proud.
Hard work is worthy of esteem, and thus of self-esteem. But I don’t need to esteem my own ability to play basketball, for instance, and I shouldn’t, because I’m terrible at basketball. On the other hand, I write reasonably well, and I write a lot. I also have good skills at general mathematics and science, and I am deeply curious about the way the universe works, and have learned a lot about what people know about how it works, and how that knowledge has been gained. I should feel good about that, at least. I certainly enjoy it.
“Pride” in general is a tricky concept. Its legitimacy depends on how one uses it, and what one means by it. None of us made ourselves, obviously; we operate according to the laws of nature*, and we are shaped by our nature—our genes and other physical factors—and our experience, our background, our society, our upbringing, our education, and so on. And in a sense, all of these things are also part of “our” nature.
A person may have the tenacity to work hard and improve themselves from an otherwise unpromising-seeming background, but even then, they did not create that tenacity—it was their luck, or their blessing, however you want to characterize it, that they had it. There’s nothing wrong with that. Use the assets you have to their best effect.
You can’t use assets you don’t have, after all. It would be much easier, for instance, for me to get to work in the morning if I could teleport, or even if I could fly. But I cannot, and there are no reasonable technological solutions to that lack right now, so I just don’t have that ability. It would be the height of silliness for me to feel proud of myself for my ability to fly, since I cannot. But I’m glad of my ability to learn and use the public transportation system in south Florida, and I’m grateful that it exists; I admire the people who put it into place, and I esteem the people who keep it running every day.
Maybe gratitude is a better notion and virtue than pride or self-esteem. I know some religious systems place an emphasis on it, and I think that’s far from a bad thing. It’s good to be grateful for the inherent and learned abilities that you have, and it makes sense to instantiate that gratitude by using those gifts to the best of your ability. Otherwise, it’s not very impressive gratitude.
It’s the converse** of the situation in which a person apologizes for something, but keeps up the behavior that led to the apology. That’s not much of an apology. I often find myself saying to people, “I don’t need your apology, I want you not to do the thing you’re apologizing for. If you apologize but keep doing the same thing, the apology is useless, and even insulting.”
Okay, I use words to that effect, adjusted to match the situation. I hope you get the idea.
These are my thoughts for this Saturday morning, such as they are. I hope most of you are looking forward to an enjoyable weekend, hopefully with some time spent with family and/or friends. Be grateful for them, certainly, if you have them around. No one is guaranteed to have them, and even if there were such a guarantee, with whom would you lodge the complaint if the guarantee were not met? Feel good about the things you are good at, and feel grateful for the good things you have in the world, and show your esteem and gratitude by doing the best you can with both.
Those are good words, I think, and I’m astonished that I am the one who actually just wrote them. The trick will be to live up to them!
*And of Nature’s God, if you believe in God, to paraphrase the Declaration of Independence.
**Or maybe the obverse—I’ve never yet been able to get those concepts clearly differentiated in my head. Neither term may actually be the correct one, come to think of it.
[As noted above, here is my thought below the footnotes: Is it ever possible for any kind of mind, whether natural or artificial, instantiated in hardware or software or both, to be complex enough to accurately model its own workings in detail? As it becomes more complex, modeling its own function will also become more complex. I suspect that this complexity will increase more quickly than the ability of the increasingly complex mind to parse it.]