Yes, when I inadvertently got on YouTube very early this morning* after my computer restarted itself to install updates so that Microsoft could try to push me to “upgrade” to Windows 11, I saw that there was a big “1000000000000” where the YouTube logo normally goes, along with a some spewed digital confetti:
I looked more closely a bit later and encountered a little pop-up square that read that YouTube was celebrating one trillion views of Minecraft content.
Think about that. It’s not celebrating the game, or the number of times people have played that game…which may be more than a trillion, though I suppose it is mathematically possible that it could be fewer, since, after all, YouTube says there have been a trillion views, and the same video can be viewed many, many times. So, it’s not a trillion times people have played a game that’s being celebrated. It’s a trillion instances of people watching uploaded videos of OTHER PEOPLE playing the game.
There are about 7.7 billion people in the world, so that makes an average of about 130 views of Minecraft content per living human. But I haven’t watched a single such video, and I’m pretty sure I’m not the only such person. I’m probably not even in a minority in that, though perhaps I’m being optimistic–which is out of character for me, I know. So there must be quite a number of people out there who have watched Minecraft content far more often than 130 times each. That’s assuming that YouTube is correct in its tally, which I see no reason to doubt.
Surely this is not something to celebrate. Surely this is something worthy of the most profound shame and of exceedingly doleful lamentation. Surely this is an event that belongs in the book of Revelations, in the prophecies of Nostradamus, in the Necronomicon, in any and every apocalyptic, eschatological writing in every faith or myth or belief system ever devised. Surely this signals the release of Fenrir and the waking of the Midgard Serpent! Surely this is a harbinger of the end of days!
At the very least, it’s a convincing argument that it really is time for another mountain-sized asteroid to hit the Earth. It’s time for “Chicxulub II: This Time It’s Personal!“
The human race has had its time, it’s had its chance, and it’s demonstrated unequivocally that it’s just a great big whopping mistake. It’s time to wipe the slate clean and start again. It’s a shame that so many other species would have to go as well just to get rid of the human race, but that’s what happened with all the large species of dinosaurs and the majority of other lifeforms at the end of the Cretaceous, and even more devastating losses happened in the Permian extinction. And none of those lifeforms even had Minecraft or YouTube, let alone the unholy statistic of there being a trillion times in which people played videos so they could watch other people play a video game, probably somewhere far away from them, probably someone they didn’t know, and usually not even in real time.
Educational videos and music videos can be a joy. Videos of cats are tolerable. Videos of people falling down while trying to do stupid things are at least mildly comical in a sophomoric sense.
But this is too much. I can’t stand it any longer. The world is insane…or more accurately, it’s unsane. Sanity doesn’t even apply; there’s no evidence that logic or sense has anything to do with anything in the world.
I can’t take it anymore. I need to get out. Where is my asteroid?
It’s intolerable. Hamlet said, “How weary, stale, flat and unprofitable seem to me all the uses of this world,” and he was just responding to the death of his father and to his mother having married his uncle almost immediately after. Imagine how he would feel faced with this. The undiscovered country and what dreams might come when one has shuffled off to it would surely be no impediment to his bare bodkin if he were to see this**.
Where indeed is thy sting, O death? I’ve laid my ankle bare. It’s waiting; it’s unprotected. I’m daring you. I’m begging you! I’m begging you a trillion times, then a trillion trillion more.
For who would bear the whips and scorns of time, the oppressor’s wrong, the proud man’s contumely, the insolence of office, the law’s delay, the pangs of despis’d love, and the spurns that patient merit of the unworthy takes? And who–I ask you most sincerely–would bear the fact that there have been a trillion VIEWS of “Minecraft content” and that it is being celebrated?
“Fie on’t! Ah, fie!”
*I don’t sleep well at the best of times, and at this time of year with the seasons throwing things off kilter, my early awakening, related to and contributing to other problems, is worse than usual.
**If he were a real person and not merely a character in a play, of course.