Okay, well…hello and good morning and all that usual stuff. It’s Thursday morning, the second day of September in 2021, and of course it’s time for my weekly blog post.
I don’t have much new to report, frankly. I wrote an impromptu blog post on Iterations of Zero yesterday morning*, the title of which is a truncated version of the title of a Stephen King story that I thought was very moving. Writing the post was pretty much a waste of time, which I guessed it would be as I wrote it. I don’t know if anyone has read it; it certainly hasn’t received any “likes” as of the time of this writing, let alone responses in the comments or whatever.
I can’t blame people for that. It’s quite a depressing blog post, though I’m reasonably proud of some of the writing in it, including my tongue-in-cheek statement, “There is true equity only in death.” Of course, it’s not surprising—to me at least—that it’s a depressing blog post, since I was depressed when I wrote it, and my life has been dominated more and more by my already chronic depression in recent weeks to months.
Earlier this week, I did something I’ve often been known to do when particularly angry and depressed, which was to tear up and throw away a lot of drawings and the like, and other meaningful-turned-meaningless belongings at work in the office in the morning, while straightening out my area and generally getting rid of things that make it a personal space. When I’m feeling very depressed and stressed, and angry both outwardly and inwardly, I have to harm myself in some figurative or literal way—often both—and so I did.
I’m honestly feeling very pointless and discouraged, which I guess would come across quite clearly to any imaginary person who reads my IoZ post, but apparently not to anyone in my “real” life, which I guess isn’t so surprising, if there even is such a person. It’s not as though I have any non-imaginary friends or anything.
This is no one’s fault but mine. I think you can all tell that I’m not a pleasant person to be around for any length of time; this has been a universal review/rating that I’ve received from all manner of people. God knows that I don’t like to be around me**, so I can hardly blame anyone else. Having a conversation with another person, other than about some specific and useful, work-oriented matter, feels to me like I’m committing a minor, or not-so-minor, crime.
I’ve been toying with the notion of just posting House Guest here on my blog, and then once it’s done posting In the Shade here as well, rather than going to all the trouble of making a collection of my stories and publishing it for no one to read. I’d have to post In the Shade serially, I guess, since it’s too long a story to stand as one blog post, but I think House Guest could tolerate standing alone. After that, I don’t know, maybe just take down the shingle and stop. It’s hard even to contemplate finishing Outlaw’s Mind and publishing it, let alone going on to write anything else.
Speaking of which, I’m not sure what else to write here for this week’s blog post. I wish I had something useful to say, but given the incredible degree of idiocy out there, I’m not sure that any useful message would be received, even if I could find something useful to write, which seems unlikely. Were humans always this stupid, and the existence of the internet and the web and social media have merely let that come to light and flourish? Or have those electronic entities, which should have allowed people overall to become smarter, instead caused stupidity to grow and spread like the most dreadful and malignant of tumors? I feared it might be the case, right from the beginning. Maybe I’m being unkind*** or biased, or am suffering from a delusional evaluation of human nature and society—to say nothing of the nature of the universe itself—that’s colored by my longstanding and worsening mood disorder? How would I know?
Anyway, that’s about it for now. If any of you have any suggestions or reactions regarding my potential change of plans for publishing my stories here on the blog, let me know. It’s just a random thought in my head, like everything else. I don’t know what I’ll do, or where. I frankly don’t know how I’ll find the will to keep moving through today and on into tomorrow…except that not to do my usual stuff would raise more inconvenience than just to keep doing it, no matter how utterly without reward it feels. It seems at least as hard to stop moving as to keep moving; there’s no course of action (or inaction) that promises anything other than continuing weariness. Call me a nazgûl I guess. But I’m a little less scary, maybe, and I don’t work for Sauron****. And I don’t wear a ring. Not anymore.
*Instead of working on editing In the Shade, which is what I “should” have been doing.
**So many times, in literature, fiction, and religious speech, one hears of the sin or failing or danger of “self-love”. That’s never made much visceral sense to me. Do people really love themselves? I mean, the way they might love their children, say—in an accepting and supportive, but disciplining way that wants what’s best for the person? I grasp the drive to survive, annoying as it can be, and to reproduce, and to seek momentary pleasure and all that. But I’m skeptical of the notion of self-love. How could any human, knowing all the many flaws and faults of the species, and knowing himself or herself better than anyone else does and better than they know anyone else, ever really love herself or himself? It’s so comical that it’s tragic. Or perhaps it’s so tragic that it’s hilarious.
****Or any other dark entity of any kind. I have a job, so to speak, but that’s a mutual exchange to mutual benefit, not any kind of master/servant thing.