It’s Tuesday morning, and I’ve just boarded the first train of the day again, since I wasn’t sleeping anyway.  I didn’t have quite as fragmented a night’s sleep as I often have, but it was short.  And yet, as usual, I don’t really feel sleepy, just fatigued, just weary, just [fill in random synonym for “tired”].  This is part of the reason I haven’t started walking in the morning again yet, though this morning the weather would have been reasonably congenial for such a thing, being relatively cool.  I just have difficulty summoning up the will and mental energy to do it.

I’m a bit frustrated—what else is new?—with something to do with WordPress or with a blog that I regularly follow and even upon which I comment somewhat frequently.  I had thought that the “Reader” function in my WordPress account was glitchy, because I could no longer see, let alone make, comments on the site to which I go every day.  It’s one of the things that sustains me, ever since the first time I began reading it, and writing comments on it and replying to them is one of the few pseudo-social things that I do (other than interact with people at the office, which doesn’t really count, since it’s almost never about anything of significant interest to me).

But then I realized that I could see (and make) comments on at least some other sites, even on the “Reader”.  Yet when I went to the site in question, even at its primary, official page, instead of through my “Reader”, it didn’t recognize me, and I had to sign in to make comments, giving my credentials each time, even though I’ve been following that site for years.

I even keep trying to hit the “subscribe” rectangle—let’s face it, it’s not really a “button”—on the WordPress “Reader” thingy, though I’ve long since been subscribed to the site, but as soon as I go back to it, it seems to think I haven’t done it.

I don’t know if that site’s owner is blocking me (it doesn’t seem like something he would do, but I can be insufferably annoying, I know—just ask me) or if WordPress is glitching only on my connection to that site.  It’s nothing to do with any one computer, as far as I can tell, because it happens on each one I have tried.

It’s very depressing.  I can’t even read other people’s comments when using the “Reader”.  It’s like losing friends, in a way, though of course I know that I’m not really anyone’s friend.

Maybe I should take it as a message from the Universe.  Not that I think the Universe actually sends me personal messages, apart from the obvious occasions when actual people, who are parts of the Universe, send me messages from them locally.  But that’s not really the idea about which I’m thinking.  Or maybe it is, I don’t know.  I guess it doesn’t really matter.

Anyway, at this point I’ve basically become little more than a detriment or a distraction or a disruption or a defect in the world.  It turns out I’ve been a defect since I was born, in at least two different objective ways.  I’ve struggled most of my life to be useful, at least to people about whom I care, if only to try to make up for how much I corrode and dysregulate things, but it’s been a losing battle.  To turn one of the last lines from Guardians of the Galaxy Volume 3 on its head and make it more appropriate to me:

I wasn’t born to be a dad; I was born to be a destroyer.

I wanted to be a dad.  I loved being a dad.  But I think I wasn’t a very good one, because…well, anyway, I haven’t seen either of my kids in over ten years, apparently by their choice (well, at least for everything after 2015).  I should probably just give up and accept the other role, though it sucks to give up on ever being with my kids again.  But I should just accept the other role.  And, of course, I don’t have a right to destroy other people, so there’s only one legitimate target for that part of my nature.

Well, I’m sick of writing for today.  This is going to be it for the moment.  I’ll write at you tomorrow—as always, barring the unforeseen.