Well, after once again awakening hours before I could even have caught any trains, today I arrived at the station just as the first northbound one of the morning was arriving. This time, to avoid temptation, I didn’t cross over, but stayed on the near side and took the elevator to the bridge. I also hoped that I would sweat less by walking a slightly shorter distance (with a stop in the middle). I think I am sweating a bit less, but it’s still annoying and relatively ridiculous. I mean, it’s not even five in the morning now, and the weather app claims that it’s only about 75 degrees out! Why am I sweating so much?
It would be nice if this were a sign of some underlying terminal disease*, but I don’t really have that kind of luck‒whether you want to consider it good or bad or whatever.
I did some pretty good walking yesterday evening, while talking to my sister on the phone. I can tell it’s been several days at least since I’ve done long walking, because I developed a slight broken blister overlying my right Achilles tendon, where the rear of the shoe rubs it. They aren’t brand new shoes‒I’ve walked good distances in them before‒so I know it’s just that my skin has gotten more sensitive, and probably, my walking posture has gotten a bit more slack. Anyway, the blister is disinfected and taped up now.
You may ask: if I claim to consider the possibility of a terminal illness a good thing, why would I bother to treat a blister on my “heel” and protect against infection? It’s a good question; I wish I had thought of it, myself. Well, the answer is, I want to be able to walk potentially quite long distances, without blisters and the like stopping me. I wouldn’t greatly mind collapsing due to heat exhaustion and dehydration/volume depletion and electrolyte imbalances and kidney failure, but simply being unable to walk because of blisters and similar injuries‒that would be galling.
We’ll see what happens, I guess. I already mentioned yesterday that I have to push my potential plans back about two weeks, anyway, out of deference to my coworker’s family vacation. I don’t know why I trouble myself, really. I guess I just really dislike causing more inconvenience to other people‒ones I know, at least‒than I must.
Still, eventually, one must reach a breaking point. I think that, mentally, I’ve already reached that point, to be honest. I no longer truly hope for, let alone expect, anything or anyone to “save” me, if you will. I don’t expect to “recover”, or to rebuild any semblance of a life or career.
I don’t really do anything for enjoyment or fulfillment. Even this blog is mainly just a habit. I suppose there is some trace or modicum of the notion that it might end up being useful to me in some way, or might even garner help from some unexpected quarter, but that’s sort of akin to imagining one might win a big Powerball jackpot. It’s possible, but one shouldn’t make any serious plans about it actually happening.
It is rather nice to be throwing away some things that I have kept for a while just out of inertia or habit or a tendency to be a packrat. Not that I have a great many possessions; I certainly don’t. Everything I own fits in a single bedroom with attached shower and “walk-in” closet, plus a few things at the office. I’ve thrown out or given away some of those latter things already, and packed others away. I hope to pare it all down further still.
I started listening to an Audible version of The War of the Worlds yesterday. Of course, it’s a heck of a story, the first ever alien invasion story, and still one of the best. I must say, though‒and I feel slightly bad about having to say it‒that the narrator is a bit disappointing. I don’t mean the character who tells the story, I mean the guy who read the book for the recording. This is a dramatic and scary tale, but he’s done only a bit more than reading it straight. Even the iconic opening paragraphs came out rather lackluster.
I wonder how people find my reading of my stories, like The Chasm and the Collision and my short stories. They’re up on YouTube, and they’ve been uploaded here as well. Maybe I’ll embed one or two below, in this post, and anyone who wishes can listen. I would very much welcome feedback on both the stories and my reading of them. I tried to do the reading well, but I don’t know whether the effort produced the desired results or not.
I guess it doesn’t really matter much. “The world will little** note, nor long remember…” yadda yadda yadda.
I’ve always thought those were truly ironic words that Lincoln wrote/said there: that the world would not long remember what he was saying at the time, but that they cannot forget what the soldiers had done there at Gettysburg. Meanwhile, there are many of us who can recite part or all of the Gettysburg Address***, but I don’t know how much high school history classes even teach the American Civil War nowadays, let alone any of the specifics of that battle.
Of course, if you believe some YouTube videos, many young Americans don’t even know what continent the US is on, or how many states there are, or from which nation the US declared its independence and when. Goodness knows most Americans can’t even recognize the opening of the Declaration of Independence, and despite so many claiming to revere the US Constitution, I doubt many of them have read through the whole thing, even once.
It’s really not very long.
I doubt that many of them have even read the Bill of Rights, or would even have a rough idea of what they are (with the possible exception of the 2nd Amendment, which is concise at least, although it’s apparently difficult to interpret unambiguously).
Oh, well. Individual, actual knowledge of any particular subject is often inversely proportional to the strength of one’s opinions/convictions on the matter. I guess that’s nothing new, but it continues to sting nevertheless‒rather like a new, recurrent blister in a bodily location one thought had become inured to abrasive forces.
With that, here are some audio recordings of me reading some parts of some of my stories. The first is my story Hole for a Heart, and the second is Chapter 1 of CatC If you listen, I hope you enjoy them.
*Apart from being alive in and of itself, which appears to be uniformly fatal as far as we can tell.
**Rather ironically, Google is suggesting I change “will little note” to “will have little note”, offering a (flawed) correction to what is widely considered one of the most grammatically perfect speeches in American history. Heavy sigh.
***1863 Lincoln Park Lane, Gettysburg, PA 24601.
Robert Elessar 