It’s Tuesday now, in case you weren’t aware of that fact. I’m feeling less perky this morning than I was yesterday, which I guess isn’t all that odd. I’m also not sure what to write today—even more so than usual.
I’m rather tired, both mentally and physically. Yesterday during the early part of the day I had a fair amount of energy, but then in the afternoon, sometime a bit after three, I think, my mood just crashed. I felt physically fine; my pain wasn’t worse than usual, and was probably slightly better than average. But I just felt the wind go out of my sails and lost nearly all my motivation. I’m not sure why. It was while I was drinking a Coke Zero®, which I don’t usually drink, but I doubt that it was the cause.
Possibly part of it was that my coworker had shown me some pictures from his daughter’s christening, and it reminded me of some baby pictures of my daughter and son, and so I pulled those up on my phone and showed a few to him. Then, having opened that particular Pandora Brand™ can of worms, I looked through a lot of other pictures of my kids on my phone, and was reminded how much I have missed of their lives and how much I miss them, and how I’m probably never going to see them in person again.
I’m a surprisingly sentimental person, but I don’t think anyone else at the office is ever able to tell when I’m feeling so. I’m not sure much of anyone around me is ever able to tell when I’m feeling down. It’s frustrating, as I’ve written here before.
It’s rather as if one were in the process of drowning, coughing up water, waving, hoarsely calling out for help, and all people from the shore or the pool-side—very nearby, more than capable of tossing a life preserver or something similar—do is say thing things like, “That’s a good sidestroke you have”, and they mean it with complete sincerity. They’re not teasing or taunting. They’re not trying to be cruel, and they’re not knowingly being callous. They honestly don’t seem able to tell that I’m about to drown…even people who’ve known me all my life.
Or perhaps they figure I just want to drown, and they don’t think it’s their place, or their right, to intervene. I certainly sometimes make arguments and diatribes that might make it seem as if I’ve arrived at a desire to die because of some philosophical thought process; I’m well-read and I’m good at making sophistic arguments, so apparently it comes across as convincing, as a well-thought-out and definitive personal statement of rational, or at least reasoned, intent. But all I’m really doing is trying to express how absolutely morose and hopeless I feel. Such moods, however, are apparently rather opaque, whether on my face or in my speech or my behavior, and perhaps even in my writing.
Honestly, yesterday afternoon, I fantasized about finding the nearest pawn shop, of which there are many near where I live, and buying a gun and shooting myself. I tried to imagine the process of doing it, and I didn’t feel hesitant. I was very depersonalized, as I think the term is. I felt that I could have cut off some of my own fingers with minimal difficulty. I also felt that, even in the office, if someone had handed me a loaded pistol—especially if it were a nice, single-action revolver—I could have put it in my mouth, pointed it toward my soft palate, and pulled the trigger.
At that stage, what would have stopped me would have been mostly the issues of mess and rudeness. It would be better to go find one of the areas of south Florida—there are many—where there basically are just lots of plants growing (and oodles of arthropods), such as along the train tracks but between stops, and do it there.
Anyway, obviously I didn’t have a gun, and I didn’t do that stuff yesterday, unless I’m a ghost who is able to write a blog. I do sometimes feel like I’m undead, as I’ve said before on this blog, but that’s not a literal thing. I don’t think ghosts or zombies or any of the rest of such things actually exist, at least not in any supernatural sense.
I wish I could find some situation or circumstance where I could readily do something that would be good, that would maybe save some people’s lives or something, but would kill me. Stepping in front of a child that was about to be shot or something like that might be good. And, of course, I would wish that I would have the will, the courage, to carry out the act.
That’s always a worry. Oh, well. Life sucks.
I at least got a relatively good walk in last night. I arrived at the destination train station and walked to the nearby bus stop and waited for the bus to arrive, but the app didn’t even show the usual real-time update on its position. How quickly we become spoiled by such things! So I watched as the arrival time of the bus came and passed and then five more minutes, and then five minutes after that, with no sign—in person or on the app—of the bus. So I gave up, after wasting half an hour, and walked the five miles back to the house.
I considered stopping at McDonald’s© on the way, but decided I didn’t want anything from that particular fast food shoppe. One of the great things about not eating during the day is that, by the time it’s time to eat for dinner, I don’t really feel hungry. And, weirdly enough, walking the five miles back to the house was easier after not having eaten than it ever was after I had eaten, in the past. This makes sense, biologically. All my system’s resources were available for moving and walking; none were diverted to digestion, and I certainly have more than enough stored energy for the trek.
Unfortunately, since I’d foregone the fast food€, I needed to stop at a convenience store¥ and get something for dinner, but the one I chose didn’t have much that I wanted, so I had to settle, and had a relatively small and not terribly good dinner, at about ten o’clock at night. Oh well. Life, as I say, sucks∞. Frankly, I think it would be nice just to stop eating entirely. I may see if I can work my way toward that.
Anyway, this morning, my dips—the exercise, I mean—were noticeably easier than just a few days ago, which is always nice. It would be nice to die with a lean but toned body, though I suppose it hardly matters.
And, now, I’m really going to have to head toward the bus stop, because I hate getting there when other people are already there if I can help it. I hope you have a better day than I have, no matter how good a day I may be surprised to haveΩ.
[P.S. Later in the morning: The train announcement by the conductor includes the sentence, “We would like to remind you that safety and security are our top priorities.” This is clearly false. If those were their top priorities, the train would never run at all, and no one would be allowed on it. Thus it would be as safe and secure as was possible…and the train would be utterly useless. Safety and security can never truly be top priorities, at least not in any simple-minded sense, and even sensible safety is often not prioritized in any rational way. I know people who fret over whether someone with a minor cold touched something of theirs, but who habitually drive over the speed limit, fail to signal, fail to come to complete stops, and not don’t pay full attention to what they are doing when driving. It’s maddening. People are idiots; life is idiotic. I do not hold myself as an exception to those last two statements.]
I see you, Robert. You’re not alone and I so relate to your thoughts of suicide – but in the nicest and least messy type of way. I can tell you’re in a very bad place indeed because you’re considering it with no fear. I hope you will feel even a tiny bit better by the time you read this. Please keep doing your exercises, please eat something you like and please stay around.
Thank you very much.