It’s Tuesday, June 28th, 2022. It’s not the day for my usual blog post, (that’s on Thursdays). I don’t currently have any more of Outlaw’s Mind to share, since I posted the rest of what I had last week, and I certainly haven’t written any more of it since. Heck, since last Thursday, I’ve only written about 800 words on The Dark Fairy and the Desperado, and I haven’t decided if I’m going to share that at all or not. But I felt the urge to write something to share for this blog, so I’m writing now, though I don’t have much more idea what it will say—despite the fact that I’m writing it—than you probably have while reading it.
I did an “extra” post last weekend, sharing the YouTube videos of a couple of Shakespeare soliloquys I did on my cell phone camera. Those were somewhat fun. In the interim, I did another quick video of the opening soliloquy of Richard III and posted that to YouTube. Here it is, in case you want to watch it.
I’ve also, since that time, recorded videos of myself “performing” the first act of Macbeth, with the idea that I will edit it down and put in some captions and subtitles and title cards for scene changes and character identification, and then share that, and if people like it, continue to do so with the rest of the play. I even started editing the video, but then yesterday, I had an issue with saving it, and I lost a good chunk of the editing I’d done, which is very frustrating.
Victor Frankl famously said that humans can endure nearly any hardship* if they have a reason to endure it, a meaning behind enduring it. Conversely, however, if one has no meaning, no reason to do things, then even minor setbacks can be utterly enervating. So right now, I’m feeling a bit deflated regarding my Shakespearean ambitions. Anyway, I’m sure no one really wants to look at my face for too long at a time. It’s probably an environmental health hazard.
I also haven’t really played my guitar(s) in over a week, now that I think about it…or at least nearly a week. I’ve been getting soreness/inflammation in the tendons of my right hand and forearm from picking strumming, etc., which would seem absurd to me, given the paucity of my playing ability, if it weren’t for the fact that it is indeed happening. Anyway, I’m getting tired of doing it, so I suppose it’s just as well. I’m getting tired of practically everything. If I were one of those people who stop eating when depressed, at last I would lose some weight, but I’m one of the ones who tends to gain weight, which leaves me feeling worse about myself than I already did. It’s most unsatisfactory.
I have an idea for a sort of “epic quest”—it would really only be epic to me, frankly, and it would probably have no impact on anyone else whatsoever—and I’ve even solved many of the problems I had with shoes/feet that were getting in the way of it, which I tested a bit this weekend. So that’s good. If I decide to undertake such a thing, I’m sure I’ll be sharing more about it here, so you all will come to know it—those of you who actually read my full blog posts, anyway.
Deep down, though, I think I’m just feeling very discouraged, and very alone, and yet I don’t have the capacity to reach out and make friends and connect with people, let alone to ask for help; I don’t even frankly feel like I’m the same species as the people around me. I feel like a changeling, like some different kind of creature than all the other creatures in the world—an alien whose mind got accidentally implanted in a human body…or perhaps it was implanted deliberately, as part of some scientific experiment, but one which requires the subject not to know of the experiment, to avoid bias. Or perhaps it’s an experiment for which the funding was cut off right in the middle of the process, and the whole apparatus was just packed up, and all testing and connections were shut down, without anyone remembering to rescue the subject of the test.
I know this is all not really the case, just in case you’re wondering. I don’t really think I’m a changeling, or an alien emplaced here either deliberately or by accident. I may be a mutant in a sense, but only in a boring one, a mundane occurrence found throughout biology. Mutants are real things; they really happen. If this weren’t the case, there would be no evolution, and there would be no cancer. But I don’t really think that I’m an android or an alien or some supernatural thing. I may be unsane, but I’m not insane—not that way, anyway—as far as I know.
Anyway, I’m just writing this because I want to write something, but I have no interest in writing fiction right now, any more than pretty much anyone has in reading my fiction. I’m tired. I’m bored. I’m uninterested in the things in the world, because for the most part, they seem stupid and chaotic and utterly pointless, and yet people don’t even realize just how stupid the things they do seem to be**. This doesn’t apply to everyone, all the time, of course. There are people who are not stupid, at least not all the time and not about everything. Perhaps no one is stupid all the time about everything. But the people—or the moments of non-stupidity—are tiny little flecks of diamond in a very large, very pungent, and extremely putrid dung heap. It’s almost worse to know that they are there and will be not only overwhelmed and squashed but utterly unappreciated by the apes around them, including themselves, than if they weren’t there at all.
“How weary, stale, and flat seem to me all the uses of this world,” as Hamlet said, in another of his soliloquys, earlier in the play than the most famous one. I can relate. Except that, I know, it is I who am weary, stale, and flat—which makes sense, given that it’s more likely that the way the universe, or at least the human race, seems horrible is in the eye of the beholder than in the actual entirety of the human race. Occam’s Razor, though it is double-edged, and can cut you if you use it carelessly, is nevertheless a useful guideline. It’s more likely that I am pointless than that the world is—though of course, it’s entirely possible for both things to be so, and in fact, from a certain, objective point of view, I’m reasonably convinced that this is the case. And it’s certainly more ethically tenable to say that, if the existence of most of humanity causes me pain, it is I who should vacate the premises, not try to destroy the rest of the human race, satisfying though that possibility might sometime seem to be.
I’m so tired; I don’t know what to do. I’m so tired; my mind is set on…who? Or, rather, on whom? “No one”, is the answer. There is no one there. I am alone. The air bites now, the sky is grey—as is the forest and the field and the ocean and the river and the lake and the cities and everything else—and I am alone.
*And he would know.
**And maybe, to them, those things don’t seem stupid. I must be fair and consider that possibility.
I want to give you a big hug. I’m so sorry you feel discouraged and lonely – they are tough to work through and can ruin your days/weeks/months really easily. Even if you were an Alien, I’d think you were pretty cool. From the sounds of your blog, Robert – you’re SUPER TALENTED. You read, write, act, record YouTube Videos on interesting things, play guitar…the sky is the limit for you! You sound like an amazing person. Please don’t give up. Keep moving forward xx
Thank you very much. I really appreciate it. I will try.
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